If your hands are already balling into fists, you shouldn’t expect to unclench them any time soon. Because you absolutely read that right. A clueless (at best) man joined the “Am I The A—hole? (AITA)” subreddit today to get feedback on a situation that has Redditors asking if he just continuously has elevator music playing inside his head. Because how could he possibly be acting the way he is?
The man who originally posted (the “OP,” per Reddit lingo) has been with his wife for 10 years, and they share three children between the ages of 5 and 9. He said his wife was never someone who “put too much thought into her looks.”
“She’s always been beautiful but never did much to highlight it,” he explained. “Until recently.”
And you just know he was expecting a dramatic “dun dun dunnn” there. But we’re too busy rolling our eyes at the impending douchebaggery.
So What Happened?
TLDR: OP’s wife had a glow up — in terms of both her life and her look — and his fragile little ego couldn’t handle it.
“She went through this crisis of feeling like she didn’t have a personality outside of being a mom,” OP said. “Something like that.”
Something. Like. That.
Three little outrageously dismissive words that have moms everywhere fuming. It’s a very real, very overwhelming experience that a lot of women go through — realizing that being a parent has taken over their identity. And we could write an entire novel about how f*cked up it is that OP didn’t even try to talk to his wife about this — even though he himself acknowledges that it was a “crisis” — and just diminished her very real problem to “something like that.”
“So you can’t even spare the brain cells to know EXACTLY why your wife was unhappy or what she was struggling with?” one angry Redditor asked. “You are so f*cking selfish and insecure.”
AITA for not complimenting my wife so that she won’t become vain?
byu/vainwifethrowaway inAmItheAsshole
The insecurity doesn’t stop there. OP explained that in the last two years, she’s started traveling more, joining different groups, dressing nicely, and (gasp!) wearing makeup. He said people treat her “completely different.” To which we say: get it, girl!
“She is constantly getting complimented, told she should be in magazines,” he said. “She’ll come home and happily tell me about the random stranger who was so nice to her. She randomly gets gifts … She gets hit on … all these dudes want to buy her drinks.”
He said his family has noticed her change too, and that it “seems like they’re wondering how I ended up with her.” Umm … projecting, much? “Honestly it’s a bit overwhelming for me and something I’m just not used to.” Not used to your wife being treated well? Noted.
“It’s kinda become annoying,” OP whined.
Kinda. Annoying. Dear readers, are you doing your duty to this man? Are you crying him the river he so desperately needs?
His wife was going out with friends and when she asked him how she looked, he said, “Fine.” She “seemed disappointed” (because DUH! “Fine” is a slap in the face). OP’s sister happened to be there and told her brother to “hype her up.”
“I said, ‘Why should I when the world already does?’ [and that] I don’t want her thinking too highly of herself and become more vain.”
OP’s sister looked [rightfully] “shocked” and called him an a—hole, saying it was “lowkey ‘abusive.'”
“I think she’s overthinking it but decided to get outside opinions,” he said, completely obliviously. “So AITA?”
Reddit’s Reaction
We know the internet can be a breeding ground for AHs. And yet, we are always astounded when a—holes turn to the entire internet, hoping for sympathy. Reddit is outraged at this abusive, “manipulative” and “heartless” POS who won’t give his wife validation because her head might get too big! This is his wife. As Redditors said, he is supposed to be her biggest cheerleader. And yet he’s trying to knock her down? Keep her ego in check when it’s clearly his ego that is out of whack? It was never a matter of her vanity, but always a matter of his jealousy.
Redditors had lots to say about this.
“There will be enough people trying to tear your wife down. Don’t be one of them. Be her hype team.”
“Your wife is finding herself and investing time in herself to feel good. You don’t like this because she’s getting outside validation?! WOW … You should be falling at her feet, telling her how much you love her, and that you’re HAPPY she’s becoming happier and finding more fulfillment.”
“Men hit on her? Congrats! The mother of your children has still got it and she’s going home with you … Make her smile, build her up so she feels the warmth of a healthy, supportive relationship in your home!”
“Dude might be the first man on Earth that is upset about having a wife who’s still hot after having kids, lol.”
What OP is clearly not considering (beyond his wife’s feelings, of course), is that she can (and maybe should!) leave him.
“That’s a great strategy. Treat her as if she doesn’t matter and you don’t see her as attractive, so she can constantly be reminded that there are other people out there who do care about her, and do find her attractive. Then come back in a year or so and let us know how it works out. In the meantime, think about how you want the custody arrangements to work.”
“Why are you so insecure? If you think she’s gonna run off with a stranger, she’s more likely to do it if you’re gonna act like an absolute childish tool … Don’t be an idiot. You’re meant to love her. Don’t let your insecurities bring her down too.”
“You’ve explicitly stated that your reasons for not complimenting her are to prevent her from becoming ‘vain’ … so your intent is to manipulate how she feels about herself, her confidence, her happiness. I can’t imagine that’s something she’s going to want to put up with for long.”
“Dude, if your wife doesn’t think or know or hear you express that YOU think she’s beautiful, then what’s going to stop her from leaving you for someone who does tell her that she’s beautiful and treats her wonderfully? … What are you doing to make sure your wife feels seen? Or are you just bitter that she is finally realizing she’s beautiful and interesting and worthy of all this friendship and kindness from others, and wondering where you stand in all of this? I think she’s awesome for taking charge of herself and her life. She didn’t feel like she was seen or acknowledged as anything other than ‘mom’ (and did you do anything to make her feel like the loved, beautiful wife that she is?) and she endeavored to change that, and it’s bearing beautiful fruit. Your wife is awesome.”
So what should he be doing? One Redditor was happy to lay the blueprint out for him.
“Just so we’re all clear, the correct response to your hot wife doing hot wife sh*t and asking how she looks is: Check her out, make it obvious. Do a little wolf whistle, followed by saying something along the lines of ‘Damn baby, you look good! Come and give Daddy some sugar before you leave!’ Then you give her a bunch of kisses, always ask for one more, and then send her on her merry way.”
Oh, and maybe give therapy a try.
Before you go, check out these unbelievable stories about Reddit’s worst dads.
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