We just finished “celebrating” National Bullying Awareness Month in October, but bullying itself is far from over. (Because, no, bullies don’t take a break the other 11 months of the year.) Often, the school year (especially the first few months) are prime time for bullying. Kids are anxious and insecure about the new school year, and that can result in power plays on the playground, in the classroom, on the bus, and online. Bullying is a complex and upsetting reality of childhood, and so while we’d rather have reason to scrub this information from the internet, it’s time to (once again!) take a deep dive.
We talked to experts to really dig into what bullying is, why it happens, and how you and your child can take action.
What Is Bullying?
Bullying can rear its ugly head in many forms. There’s verbal bullying (name calling, teasing, threatening, insulting) or physical bullying (hitting, kicking, stealing, physical intimidation). Sandra Kushnir, a licensed marriage and family therapist and founder and CEO of Meridian Counseling also tells SheKnows that “relational bullying” — also known as “covert bullying” — are common, more subtle tactics that can be harder to identify than physical or verbal bullying.
“These methods include social exclusion, spreading rumors, manipulating friendships, and passive-aggressive behaviors like giving the ‘silent treatment,'” she says. “Covert bullying is particularly common among teens and can cause significant emotional harm because it undermines a child’s social standing and self-esteem without leaving visible marks.”
“This form of bullying often flies under the radar because it doesn’t involve direct confrontation, making it more difficult for teachers, parents, and even peers to notice,” she continues. “The emotional damage it causes can be just as severe, if not more, than physical bullying because the victim often feels isolated, unsupported, and unsure of how to address the situation.”
You’ll be shocked (not!) to hear that, in many ways, technology and social media haven’t helped the situation. In fact, Tammy Gold, parenting coach and therapist at Therapeutic Parenting Method, tells SheKnows they’ve made bullying “much worse.”
“There is no place children can hide or feel safe, because they can get bullied in their rooms now instead of just at the schoolyard,” she says.
Why Does Bullying Happen?
There are several reasons why bullying could happen. Kristie Tse, founder of Uncover Mental Health Counseling, tells SheKnows it could be because of bias or prejudice toward peers of a different race, gender identity, or sexual orientation, a desire for “revenge,” and more.
“Popularity and social status play significant roles,” she says. “Bullies may pick on others to maintain or enhance their own status.”
And then there are external factors to consider. “The home environment can contribute significantly, where exposure to aggressive behaviors or lack of attention at home translates into seeking such reactions from peers.”
Of course, this is all little consolation if your child is the target of the bullying. These are reasons and motives, but they are not an excuse.
How Often Does Bullying Happen?
We spoke with Dr. Shairi Turner, Chief Health Officer at Crisis Text Line, which offers free, 24/7, text-based mental health support and crisis intervention. When people of any age or background text HELLO to 741741, they will be connected with a trained volunteer crisis counselor who will listen without judgment and help give guidance.
“Cyberbullying-related conversations are unfortunately becoming more common in our conversations with texters,” Turner says.
There was a 300 percent increase (!!!) in the mentions of cyberbullying in the first quarter of 2024 compared to the same period in 2023. And that’s not even the height of bullying “season,” so to speak.
“Conversations around bullying begin to surge in August and continue to increase through April, and then decrease once the school year ends,” she says.
As for demographics, Turner shares that 70 percent of Crisis Text Line users are 24 and under — “which really demonstrates just how many young people are seeking mental health support and guidance — and younger texters are more likely to discuss bullying. “1 in 6 texters age 13 or younger have discussed bullying with us at least once,” Turner says.
What To Do If Your Child is Being Bullied
Sadly, most kids will encounter a bully at some point in their life, so it’s best if they’re prepared ahead of time. According to experts, it’s a good idea to talk to your child about what bullying and cyberbullying might look like and reassure them that they can ( … and should!) always come talk to you if they are being bullied.
“If a child encounters a bully, it is crucial for them to remain calm, avoid retaliation, and seek help from a trusted adult,” Kushnir says. “Parents should create an open, non-judgmental space for communication if they suspect their child is being bullied, ensuring they listen and validate the child’s feelings while helping them navigate the situation.”
And what might navigating the situation look like? Depending on the circumstances, it might be time to loop in your child’s teacher or administrator. Schools are becoming better at handling bullying situations in discreet, effective ways, and many schools now offer anti-bullying programs during the school day. Even if the bullying is not happening at school, schools can be a resource for anti-bullying information and support. It might also be worthwhile to seek the help of a mental health expert to support your child during this time.
Tse says that role-playing can help if it seems like the child can step in for themselves: “Practicing assertive communication can also be effective; clearly and confidently saying ‘no’ or ‘stop’ without showing fear can sometimes discourage a bully.”
It’s also important to keep track of the bullying. If there’s cyberbullying, t(w)eens should take screenshots. “Documenting incidents when they happen provides adults with detailed insights, aiding them in effectively resolving the situation,” Tse adds.
It might sound cliche, but ignoring and avoiding the bully can also be a great strategy. Ideally, kids should not retaliate and just walk away. If it’s cyberbullying, try blocking the instigator or putting down the phone altogether.
And while kids should always look to trusted adults for help, the Child Mind Institute (which has tons of great resources around bullying and cyberbullying) recommends they lean on their peers too. “Encourage your child to make a deal with his friends: If you stick up for me, I’ll stick up for you,” they said in their list of tips. “Data shows that the most effective way to combat bullying is for bystanders to step in and say, ‘Hey, that’s my friend; don’t do that.'”
Turner adds, “Do not spend your time with people who don’t make you feel good. Try a new activity, join a club, or maybe finally reach out to that person with whom you’ve been wanting to meet up. When you’re in the thick of it, popularity can feel like everything. In reality, the only person who should care about who you are spending your time with is you.”
How to Know if Your Child Is Being Bullied
In an ideal world, your child would come to you whenever they have a problem. (Well, in a truly ideal world, there wouldn’t be any problems.) But what happens if you don’t know if your child is being bullied?
“Parents should watch for subtle signs like changes in mood, avoidance of social activities, or a drop in academic performance, as these can indicate their child may be experiencing relational bullying,” Kushnir says.
Feeling intimidated or threatened (or the myriad of emotions being bullied can provoke) is never OK, but learning how to manage such situations is invaluable. Resolving bullying situations may not happen instantaneously, but it’s so important for families to work toward such a resolution positively for the sake of the child being bullied — and for the bully!
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