For more than 70 years, T-shirts have been the personal body billboards of humankind. It’s true: The graphic tee, aka the world’s most expressive garment, was popularized after the Oz worker characters wore branded T-shirts while repairing the Scarecrow in the movie, The Wizard of Oz. Fun fact. And these days, you can find a T-shirt that says pretty much anything you like — and if you can’t find it, you can easily have one made. But while adults are out there self-branding with statement tees, what about the wee ones? What about babies and toddlers who don’t yet quite have opinions on what they wear (or, you know, the basic skills needed to dress themselves): What do these kids clothes say about the parents who are choosing them?
After all, a T-shirt (or in this case, a baby bodysuit, the graphic tee’s tiny crotch-snapped cousin) “is a really basic way of telling the world who and what you are,” Dennis Nothdruft, curator of the British Fashion and Textile Museum, told the BBC. You tell the story of what matters to you, what you think, who or what you support and what you do through your T-shirts.
Ahead you’ll find a selection of baby bodysuits that truly have something to say. The real question is, what do your kid’s garments say about you?
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You eat gender norms for breakfast
In spite of myself, I’m sort of excited about this existing, because it means I finally live in a world where we’re comfortable associating more than one kind of gender expression with sports. Here’s the thing, though: These onesies still have a frilly, delicate, feminine version for girls and regular-ass T-shirt-looking ones for boys.
And the difference matters here, because on a boy, the message is clearly “I’m raising a potential future Steph Curry.” On a girl, it says, “I’m a future avid basketball fan who will grow up to be bitterly disappointed when she finds out that professional women’s basketball players make less than most tax accountants.” But, progress?
“Golden State Warriors” onesie three-pack, $19.99 at Target.
You use #blessed unironically
St. Paddy’s Day has passed, and with it all the adorable green St. Patrick’s Day kids clothes. But it’s never too late to remind yourself and your not-quite-verbal baby to be grateful, right? Gratitude is all about perspective. Your baby is lucky to have you, and you just want a reminder that they know it, you know? This really helps parents get through those days when their little leprechaun screams every hour on the hour during the night before an early-morning work meeting. Or when said parent is just trying to finish the last season of Game of Thrones before the new season begins but Baby is crying even though they’ve been fed and changed recently. I’m lucky. They’re lucky. We’re all the luckiest.
“Luckiest baby” onesie, $10 at Target.
You should find a therapist sooner rather than later
Not even sure I can sugar-coat this one. This is part of the Daddy/Daughter/Future Partner Love Triangle genre and guys, it’s just wrong. It has layers of weird. First, Dad is very controlling already and baby just got to this Earth! Second, Dad is already giving a lot of thought to the future sex life of his child, who will one day become an autonomous, free-thinking person with their own wants and desires. (How uncomfortable! We must stop it!) Third, if this onesie is supposed to be tongue-in-cheek, it implies a high level of chill around cliché jokes about paternal control of female bodies and actions.
See also in this genre: Shirts that weirdly compare junior to his apparently very sexually attractive dad.
“Dad Says I’m Not Allowed to Date, Like Ever” onesie, $8.35 at Walmart.
You wish you’d bought a car instead
There’s really only one way to read this, which is that mined iron ore was forged to form cold-rolled blue steel. The material was then cut, and was welded together to make the shape of the baby. The engine was lowered in and mounted into place and wired with meticulous care. It was torqued to spec and sent down the production line, met with expert inspection and rolled off the lot, immediately depreciating in value. Assembled proudly in the Good Ole U.S. of A.
“Built Ford Tough” onesie, $12.95 at Walmart.
You’ve had it up to here with the mansplainers & mom-shamers
Look, everyone. Mom hasn’t slept more than three hours in a single spurt in months. Her boobs hurt, her vagina probably still hurts. Everyone on the street, in the Stop & Shop, and in her extended family apparently has some unsolicited parenting advice and is feeling compelled to share it. And she just…can’t. For the mom who is fed up and wishes to communicate that as clearly and directly as possible but also not on her own body for some reason, here you go.
“My Mom Doesn’t Want Your Advice” onesie, $13.00 by SweetTCapri on Etsy.
Wow, you decided to be a parent for a minute
This item falls into the genre of My Dad Doesn’t Do Jack Squat, which is a vast, varied genre. The joke of this shirt, of course, is that Dad doesn’t usually dress baby, and when Dad does dress baby, he would like everyone to know about it and give him as much or more credit than Mom gets for doing much more invisible domestic and child-rearing labor on a daily basis. Isn’t the rampant gender imbalance and Moms Having it All so funny and charming?! I’m still waiting for the girl’s onesie that reads “I get 75% of the boob juice my baby brother gets.”
“Daddy dressed me today” onesie, $6.99 at The Children’s Place.
At least you didn’t reference sperm
Y’all, just when I had lost hope for humanity by reading too many really lame or utterly confusing kids T-shirt slogans, I came upon this gem and laughed out loud for five full minutes. I still chuckle when I think of it. This is ideal for the parent who wants to use innovative language to joke about what childbirth is really like. It takes the age-old phrase “Fruit of my Loins” and turns it on its head by using the word “crotch,” which is just patently weird and hilarious. Worthy to note that the related slogan “Daddy’s Fastest Swimmer,” which is boastfully making a masculinized contest out of the biological process of conception, fails where “crotch fruit” succeeds. (The swimmer joke says, “this kid used to be my ejaculate,” and no one wants to think about your ejaculate, Steve.)
“Crotch Fruit” onesie, $15.00 at OhJoyBegin on Etsy.
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