Communication is a common issue for families, but for this Reddit mom and her blended unit, the matter is turning from an issue to a total dealbreaker.
Explaining her situation on the platform’s “Am I The A**hole” forum, the 49-year-old woman writes that she recently married her 52-year-old husband, and he has a 7-year-old daughter who is deaf and communicates solely through American Sign Language (ASL).
The woman adds that she has a 17-year-old daughter who “is generally a very non-problematic teenager.” Despite her good performance in school and history of never causing problems, the mom shares that her teen does not like her stepdad or stepsister. “She is not outwardly rude, but basically ignores their existence,” the woman explains. She adds, “I did try to do family activities together to have the bond and all, but I stopped pushing it when it didn’t happen and as long as she’s not being outwardly rude or harmful to them, I can’t exactly punish her for not liking them.”
As far as communicating with her stepdaughter, the woman shares that she started taking ASL classes when her relationship with her now-husband was getting serious. She adds that her daughter “never made an effort,” but she felt okay with that at the time because her daughter “technically has no responsibility” toward her stepdaughter. Now, however, things have changed.
A Turning Point
The woman explains that her daughter has recently started babysitting her stepdaughter, “which changes things” in terms of making her learn ASL. “In my opinion, since she is now spending time in which she is responsible for a young child, she needs to learn at least basic communication,” the mom writes. And we have to agree — it’s pretty vital for two people to be able to understand each other, especially when one is in the other’s care.
Reddit mom shares that she broached the subject of learning ASL with her daughter and “she outright refused to make any effort at all.” The woman explains, “I tried recommending YouTube videos, but she refused to try learning even a couple words, saying she’s not responsible for my choice to be in the life of a disabled child.”
She reveals that her daughter’s stance has also started causing problems in her marriage. “My husband confided in me that he’s starting to feel uncomfortable with his young daughter living with someone who is so cold she refuses to make even the most basic effort, or engage with her at all,” the woman writes, adding, “He has brought up that he is considering divorce due to his concerns about how [his daughter] will be affected by this.”
A Breaking Point
Because of the severity of her husband’s thoughts on the matter, the woman writes, “I had to finally put my foot down.” She continues, “I told my daughter that we have a disabled person living in our household for the foreseeable future, and if she wants to live here for college (graduating next month), she has to at least learn basic ASL.”
“She doesn’t have to like her stepfather and stepsister, nor does she have to hang out with them, but she has to have the ability to communicate with her for the sake of safety and basic decency,” the mom explains, adding that she will pay for a dorm for her daughter to live in if she will not respect the new rule.
The woman shares that her teen hasn’t spoken to her in a week since being given the ultimatum, so she wants to know if she’s the a**hole in this situation.
Reddit Users Making Their Points
Most Redditors seem to think there’s plenty of blame to go around within the blended family, according to the comments. One user wrote, “Your daughter is TA because she misplaces her frustration and emotional discomfort of your new marriage on her step-sister. … Your husband is TA because he threatens you with divorce over this. … You are TA because you throw you daughter under the bus for marriage’s sake and threaten to kick her out.”
Many people also took issue with the husband’s ultimatum, with one Redditor commenting, “‘I’m gonna divorce you unless you kick out your 17 year old daughter or make her learn sign language’ is an ugly ultimatum.”
The original poster (OP) responded, “He didn’t say he will serve me papers right now if I don’t force her to learn or kick her out right now, but he said for the long term, this situation is unsustainable and harmful to SD’s mental health and development, and if a solution is not reached, he will be left with no choice but to leave for his daughters sake.” And you know what? It’s entirely valid and respectable for him to put his daughter first.
Other users defended the husband’s stance as well, with one person replying, “I don’t think it’s that weird to want to potentially divorce over this tbh. Because it’s not fair to subject a 7 year old to someone who actively hates them.”
A lot of users wondered why the parents had the teen watching the little girl when she can’t communicate with her and has no interest in her as a person, since that issue seemingly escalated the problem — but the heart of the matter is revealed pretty deep into the comments thread.
A Starting Point
One Redditor asks OP why her daughter “hates” her stepdad, and OP responds, “She just doesn’t consider them real family and thinks I should have stayed ‘faithful’ to her dad, who died when she was 3.” Ding ding ding — there’s the real issue.
In response to her admission of this major detail, one user suggested getting the teen into therapy. “She has a lot of unresolved feelings brewing that she needs to work through and is taking them out on you and your husband and stepdaughter as a result,” they wrote.
Another Redditor offered additional suggestions, writing, “Maybe offer her ways to reconnect with your deceased husband, even though it is going to be painful for you. Explain to her how you grieved and found closure and most importantly: Don’t threaten her with kicking her out. Your daughter is filled with anger and needs a vent for that.”
It’s clear this family has a lot of work to do to overcome their issues, but one thing is for sure: this mom can’t ignore her daughter’s feelings in relation to her deceased husband while pushing her daughter to stop ignoring her new husband and stepdaughter.
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