Why, why, why do people feel like they have the right to butt into other people’s fertility journey? We’ve said it before, and we’re so disheartened to have to say it again: It’s none of your business!
*Grabs megaphone*
Stop asking people when they’re going to have a baby! Maybe they don’t want children, maybe they’ve had a really hard time getting pregnant, or maybe it’s entirely another reason altogether. Whatever that reason, we’re not in the business of asking — and you shouldn’t be, either.
Reddit is "cackling" at this grandma-to-be's major slip-up. https://t.co/dP4ayuWhiC
— SheKnows (@SheKnows) May 23, 2023
A woman joined the Reddit “Am I The A—hole” page to share her experience of being asked the obnoxious and hurtful question of when she and her husband are going to have kids. Unfortunately, that’s not even the worst part.
This woman planned and hosted her older sister’s baby shower. The whole family was invited. This included her grandparents, aunts, and uncles who “practically raised” her and her sister, as well as her parents. “My sister and I have been working on our relationships with our parents,” she said.
She didn’t explain why there was friction between the four of them, but based on the post, we can venture a guess. And after what happened at the baby shower, we can’t imagine the original poster (OP) will want to work on that relationship anymore.
So Who Asked?
During the baby shower, OP’s mom asked her and her husband when they were going to have kids. Because of course she did. And you may think a mom has a right to ask this question, but this is a topic that the couple should be bringing up if and when they want to. It’s not a question that should be thrown at them by any Tom, Dick, Harry … or Mommy.
“We’ve been trying for some time now but it hasn’t been fruitful,” OP wrote. “I will admit I got a little flustered and just said, ‘When the time is right’ and quickly moved on, also to make sure the focus was on my sister and her little one.”
See?! You never know the answer or how that question could make someone feel, so just don’t ask. Especially not in such an inappropriate setting. This is when the sister should be the center of attention, and this joyful milestone probably has OP thinking about her fertility journey enough as it is.
Who Made It Worse?
OP explained in her post that her husband had a traumatic brain injury (TBI) when he was a child that left him partially deaf. He uses sign language and has a cochlear implant.
After OP said she and her husband would have kids “when the time is right.” Her “very ignorant” dad then made a wretched and wildly insensitive comment that reached a “new low” and made the situation infinitely worse: “I didn’t think you wanted any if they might be handicapped.”
What?!
What?! He said what?! There is just so much to unpack here. First of all, this dad is an AH. Second of all, does he not know how injuries work? They’re not genetic. This couple could end up having a deaf child, but that would be because more than 90 percent of deaf children are born to hearing parents. Not because this man had an injury as a child.
That’s like saying someone who became paralyzed after a car accident will have a child in a wheelchair. Sure, it could happen. But not because of genetics.
Third, what is the problem with having a differently abled child, Dad? Oh, and by the way, culturally Deaf people (yes, they capitalize the D) don’t consider themselves “handicapped.” They don’t have hearing loss. They have Deaf gain.
“I was stunned,” OP wrote. “This was in the presence of my husband and I could tell immediately that it hurt him. I was flooded with the feeling that the children we are hoping and praying for will be looked down on.”
“After gifts, I excused myself and was just too angry to carry on,” she said. “My husband made sure the rest of the event went as planned (bless him). I did compose myself when people were leaving and said goodbyes. When my mother left, she said I was selfish for hiding for almost the entire shower. Then my dad said it made everyone feel unwelcomed.”
Oh, the hypocrisy! What would he know about welcoming people?
How Did Reddit React?
Needless to say, Reddit went into full Angry Mob Mode calling this dad’s comment “crude,” “horribly hurtful,” and “completely out of line.”
“Your father’s comment was vile,” one Redditor said. “I wouldn’t blame you for being distraught and having your mood down…And the fact that he tried to gaslight you and make you feel like you made everyone feel unwelcome after he insulted your husband?”
“After your mother asked a question she never should have asked, your father gratuitously insulted your husband,” one person wrote. “He did it in public, so you’re justified in responding in public.”
“Your dad chose a happy occasion to go out of his way to insult your husband,” another person said. “This wasn’t an accident.”
Where OP Went Wrong
When the angry mob wasn’t going after OP’s dad, they were calling her out on her own AH behavior. As hurtful as Dad’s comment was, she should have stood up for her husband — which she did realize later — or at the very least, stood by his side.
“YTA for not standing up for your husband,” one person said. “Your dad disrespected your husband in his own home. I get not wanting to ruin your sister’s baby shower, but to be fair, your dad already had by making such a nasty comment about your husband. You said your husband has a hard time talking, so he can’t really address your dad. And it’s YOUR dad, YOU need to be the one to say something. And you left your husband alone to deal with everything after he was disrespected.”
These Redditors are absolutely right, and after OP admitted that she should have considered her husband’s feelings, we are hopeful that she doesn’t act the same way in the future. But given one user’s suggestion — “Cut them off,” which we’re pretty inclined to agree with — she may not be put in that situation again.
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