Drama about wedding guest lists is pretty much the bread and butter of the “Am I The A-hole” subreddit. The drama almost always surrounds whether or not there should be exceptions to the “child-free” wedding rule. “C’mon, sis! Can’t my kids come?!” Or can the nephew who made the wedding dress get an invite?
There have also been questions about who pays for a nudist wedding, how wedding budgets can (or cannot) be spent, and what the heck happens when a future mother-in-law secretly invites an extra two dozen people to the big day. Yup, you read that right!
A Reddit parent is refusing to pay for a wedding dress because of their child's dress code for the ceremony. https://t.co/Higbg1bgwP
— SheKnows (@SheKnows) February 24, 2023
Redditors almost always come together and agree on who is the a-hole when there’s some nuptial nonsense, but a recent post from a bride who is thinking about making a major change to her guest list has people sitting on either side of the [very wide] aisle.
The original poster (OP) titled her post, “AITA [for] uninviting my mom from my wedding, she kept insisting I invite my sister.” If you’re already getting some “Eek!” vibes (we definitely were), just get ready for one of the most uncomfortable and divisive Reddit posts we’ve ever read. Perhaps the only good thing about this situation is that OP isn’t getting married for at least six months, so she has plenty of time to comb through the more than 6K comments.
Serious and Tragic Context
OP shared some pretty upsetting background information right up top. Her sister, “Anna,” was in a car accident and suffered a traumatic brain injury (TBI). As a result, OP said her sister doesn’t pick up on a lot of social cues, is slow to respond to people, and “sometimes throws tantrums like a moody teen.”
“I do love and care about her, but the easiest way to explain it is that she can sometimes act like a child,” OP said. “I’ll put it bluntly, I don’t want Anna to attend the wedding. Mom would be hovering over her (I know this might sound selfish to some but I just want mom to be there for me for one day) and she might be distracting during the ceremony or reception.”
Alternative Plan
Anna’s TBI doesn’t prevent her from staying places alone, so OP thought of something else. “I suggested we book a room for Anna at a nearby hotel. If needed, Mom can go check in on her.”
Wrong Thing To Say
That was not going to fly with Mom. She told OP she should be including Anna but OP is insisting that she wants a “perfect day.”
“We’re not having any kids at our wedding under 13, and I made the mistake of bringing that up in front of Mom in relation to Anna and her behavior, which didn’t go over well.”
Big Blow Up
You won’t be surprised to hear that OP and her mother had a major argument — after which OP proceeded to uninvite her mom.
“[I told her] she should think of me for a second instead of Anna and if she really feels so strongly, she doesn’t have to come at all,” OP said. “I’m really hurt because I’d like my own mother to be there for me on my big day, but this is just all blowing up.”
OP’s mom is calling her a “selfish brat,” and some of her friends agree. And so she turned to Reddit to find out if she is the a-hole here.
You’re The A—hole (YTA)
A large portion of Redditors said OP is being a jerk (at the absolute least) and needs to invite her mom and sister ASAP.
“This is rough but YTA. You’re excluding your sister from an important day in your life because she can’t act ‘normally’ due to her TBI.”
“When you look back, you won’t have your mom or your sister in your photos. When asked about it, what will you say? ‘I invited my mom but not my sister because I didn’t want her to take attention away from me since her TBI happened. And then, when my mom confronted me about excluding my sister, I told her not to come too because again, I know she wasn’t going to pay any attention to me.’ Is one day out of a calendar year really worth the permanent fallout?”
“Leaving [your sister] out because of something she can’t help that’s completely out of her control is horrible and really is ableist behavior to me.”
“I’d rather have my potentially slightly disruptive disabled sister and mother there than have neither and have a ‘perfect’ day. I couldn’t imagine excluding my sister for something like this.”
“This is one of those times where I just can’t understand wedding culture. You would rather not have your family at your wedding — both your sister and apparently your mother — than have a less-than-perfect day? It’s your wedding, not your inauguration as the goddess of all existence.”
“I hope when everyone asks where the mother and sister of the bride are, you tell them the truth. That you didn’t want your disabled sister there getting any attention, and that you disinvited your own mother. You’ll certainly be getting all the attention for that — and it won’t be good attention.”
Not The A-hole (NTA)
And then there are those in the other camp.
“NTA. You want one day to be special where you are the focus, you feel important and valued by your mother, and where you feel you matter. It would not matter if it’s your wedding or a regular Sunday. You want to feel 100% seen by your mother. I get it. You are not an a-hole to want this … your sister can’t help her situation and that’s what people are focusing on. A lot of the responders may never have lived in a family where one member takes the lion’s share of the focus. What you’re asking for is one day to be more about you. But the problem here is that your mother is not on board. She wants your sister included and whether she comes or not, your mother will never give you the focus you want and desire. You will always be second … your mother will ensure your sister’s comfort over your celebration.”
“NTA. REALLY. You deserve to have a day not overshadowed by your sister and her behavior. Your mother is choosing her. Yes, it’s not your sister’s fault she has a TBI. No one is saying that.”
“It’s not selfish to want your parents’ attention for one day. To be fussed over. To have special moments with your mom and dad. I think every child wants this. I don’t know how long ago your sister’s accident was but it sounds like your mom has to focus all her attention in your sister. That you don’t get the one on one time with her like you want. It’s ultimately your wedding. You’re able to invite whomever you want.”
But wait … there’s more.
Major Omissions
People paying close attention to OP’s responses in the comments realized there’s a lot she left out from her original post. And if people weren’t sure which way to lean before, these tidbits could definitely push them in a certain direction
“Let’s sum up all the info you conveniently left out of your post but mentioned in your comments:
-The accident happened 2 years ago, so it is a quite recent change in dynamic.
-Your sister is conscious and aware and hurt you are not inviting her, and voiced her wish to attend.
-You are making her ‘contribute’ her free labor to make your centerpieces for the wedding.
-You mention several times how beautiful she is, and that if it wasn’t for the accident, you would ask her to dress down for the wedding, and to not interact with others.
-You mention she would ‘ruin the vibe’ by talking to people.
-You are upset she would have to be in all the photos.
-You call her a ‘pick me’ [person].
-Apparently, after the accident, she became ‘the golden child.’
-You say she can be left alone at a hotel, or otherwise at home, and that she doesn’t need a caretaker, yet you infantilize her when it comes to participating in the event.It sounds like you have other issues with your sister, and are using her accident to support your decision of excluding her. All these comments … you should have added it to your post, although I see how you didn’t want to look even more of an a-hole … Stop pretending this is just because of her accident. YTA, and a pretty cruel one [at] that.”
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