We feel lots of things when reading posts on Reddit’s “Am I The A—hole” subreddit. We feel angry and outraged and confused. We feel fed up with all the clueless dads and out-of-line in-laws. All-in-all, it’s somewhere in the “mad” category. Well, we recently found one that stirs up a lot of emotions but — for us and for many Redditors — it ultimately fits pretty squarely in the “sad” category for everyone involved.
One mom took to Reddit to vent about her own mother. The 28-year-old who originally posted (the “OP”) has a 5-year-old son, a 68-year-old mother, and a pretty upsetting sense of self.
“I was adopted and grew up the consolation prize for the miscarriage my mom had at 20 weeks,” she wrote. “We had to go to this fetus’ grave every year. One of my earliest memories was her forcing me to give my favorite stuffed rabbit to the grave. I grew up with her venting to me about how hard the miscarriage was, and I honestly think it was super inappropriate and it made me feel like a second option to what she actually wanted.” She then delivered the proverbial nail in the coffin, which was pretty clear from the first sentence: “I obviously was never good enough.”
All of that is extremely distressing and could be a post on its own. The current problem? Grandma is now sharing the family history in an incredibly inappropriate way.
So What Happened?
OP recently found out that her mother took her 5-year-old to visit the baby’s grave and share the story.
“I told her that’s an off-limits topic and he has no business hearing about her miscarriage at five years old. Now some people in my life are saying I am an a—hole for telling my mom she couldn’t tell my son about his dead aunt, but I think I’m justified in not wanting him to have to hear about it too. It was literally 30 years ago.”
And so, as it goes, OP wants to know if she is the a-hole here.
A Line Was Crossed
Ultimately, Redditors agree that the grandma was in the wrong here. It was inappropriate for the grandma to take her grandson to a cemetery and have a talk about death without his mom’s permission. There are certain talks and experiences that should only happen with a parent present and/or with their consent.
“YOU are the parent, SHE is GrandMa [who can] babysit and spoil the child, but she does NOT get to decide when your kid is ready for different benchmarks in growing up. The bottom line is YOUR child, YOUR rules. If she doesn’t agree, she doesn’t get to be alone with him.”
Of course, Grandma must still be grieving and want to share her experience with her grandson. But with OP’s experience, she has no reason to think this was handled appropriately and in a way that wouldn’t involve a guilt trip. Grandma crossed a line with her grandson, and, frankly, destroyed the line with her daughter if she made her feel like a “consolation prize.”
“Your mother has unresolved trauma,” someone wrote. “As a fellow adoptee, I’m really sorry you had to grow up with this dysfunction, which sounds like it resulted in your own trauma. You can break the cycle right now by limiting your child’s contact with your mother and always supervising.”
The Next Step
The common thread in the nearly 2 thousand comments is that OP’s mom needed therapy and grief counseling at the time, and she still needs it now. How sad is it to have lost a child at 20 weeks? And then to still regularly mourn that loss three decades later?
“She went through a horrible thing, and she’s entitled to still feel love for the baby she lost … However, making you give your toy and making you her therapist for the entirety of your childhood? Completely off the rails, you should’ve been celebrated instead of living in your sibling’s shadow for almost 30 years, it’s not/never was your responsibility to heal your mother. Her taking him somewhere you didn’t give explicit permission to take him to is crossing a line. Your child doesn’t need to go through that experience, too, please protect your family.”
“…She’s grieved for so long that she doesn’t see what’s right in front of her: a daughter and a grandson that need her … And if she’s not careful, she’ll lose that too. For which I would not blame you in the least.”
“Your mom needs therapy, obviously. But also, why pass on that trauma to her grandson? There is sharing your authentic experience when appropriate, and then there is orchestrating a show to indulge your feelings. This is giving orchestrated theatrics. Even negative feelings can make one self-centered.”
“I hope she finds peace. I’m sorry you didn’t get all the love and appreciation that you deserve when young. ❤️”
OP definitely didn’t, and for that, we hope OP can find someone to talk to as well. She must be harboring a lot of pain from her childhood.
“I hope you have a therapist to talk to about all that because what your mom did is no way to raise a child. And absolutely tell her not to talk to your son about it. It would be one thing if she were just generally discussing a relative that passed. But she’s not doing that and you can’t trust her.”
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