When combing through the dumpster fire that is the “Am I The A—hole” subreddit, we find ourselves pulling our hair out, doing our best to stifle our screams. Because again and again (and again), we see people asking a couple when they are going to have a baby. Stop! It’s not your place! And again and again (and again), we see judgmental busybodies sticking their noses into other people’s pregnancies.
This week, we found a woman on Reddit who had the audacity to be critical of “one of [her] best friends'” pregnancy. And you’ll be shocked (not!) to hear that both the friend and the internet are seething.
This 26-year-old woman just learned that her 26-year-old [supposed] best friend and her 29-year-old husband are expecting a baby. An actual best friend would be so excited for the parents-to-be, right?! They’d be jumping up and down, popping some non-alcoholic champagne, pinning baby shower inspo on Pinterest, and running over to the baby registry. Right? Right?! Not this friend. Let’s just say she was less than thrilled.
“I feel like an a** since I didn’t react with joy like everyone else but I honestly can’t support their decision,” the woman who originally posted (the “OP”) wrote.
And it only gets more cringe-y and crappy from there.
Just A Phase
OP has a whole laundry list about why her friend and her husband shouldn’t be having this baby. They’ve only been married for a couple of years, OP said, so what’s the rush?
“There was plenty of time for them to settle down and have kids, in my opinion, but my friend has always had ‘baby fever.'”
We know there are flaws in this argument (and all the ones to come), and don’t worry, Reddit tears them up.
Problem Number 1
OP said she’s “mainly concerned” about her friends’ “ability to be parents.” That concern can be broken down into three problems.
First off, they both work full-time jobs and when they get home from work and they complain about being “too tired” to tackle house chores like cooking and cleaning.
“They eat out every night because my friend doesn’t know how to cook and her husband just doesn’t want to,” OP wrote. “Their house is always messy between dishes, laundry, and general filth.”
Ah, yes, general filth. Kind of like this post.
Problem Number 2
You’ll be shocked (again, not!) to hear that OP also has feelings about the couple’s finances. She said they have “poor money management skills.”
“[They are] always shopping for stuff they just see and want but don’t need rather than buying stuff like groceries to cook actual meals,” she wrote condescendingly. “They’ve struggled to pay rent a few times because of this.”
Problem Number 3
On top of this, the friends’ house is “incredibly small” and “overflowing with stuff.” OP said that because it’s “very old” and “has a lot of issues,” it’s “not a safe environment” for a baby.
“Realistically, how do you expect to take care of a baby with habits like that and in a space that isn’t suited for them?”
YIKES! Are you itching to fight back? Reddit certainly was. When OP shared her concerns with the expectant parents, she was met with the oh-so-true sentiment that “nobody is ever prepared to have a baby.”
“I get that you’re never really prepared but you can have a game plan, right? Start saving and making sure you have the stuff and space required? How nonchalant they were about my concerns made me even more anxious; you’d think I was having the baby.”
On The Move
The mama-to-be recently asked OP if she changed her mind about the situation, and OP doubled down, saying she hadn’t. And now she found a fourth problem. She learned that the couple was moving to a bigger house “even though” the friend is halfway through her second trimester.
“She started getting defensive, saying that just because I don’t really want kids of my own that I was trying to ‘bring her down,’ and that I should just support her pregnancy rather than being concerned about ‘future problems.'”
LOUDER FOR THE PEOPLE IN THE BACK!
Just Keeps Digging
OP truly cannot read a room. “I told her that she and her husband were too caught in elation to see the reality that being a parent isn’t just about cute baby clothes and being a friend to your child,” she wrote. “I did get snippy, which I shouldn’t have done, but it felt like she was just brushing away what I consider valid concerns.”
OP said she eventually apologized and admitted it wasn’t a “real” apology. It was one of those half-a**ed, “I’m sorry you feel that way” apologies.
“I just can’t bring myself to believe they are responsible or mature enough to have a baby and that makes me feel like a bad friend. So, AITA for telling them they’re not ready to have a baby and should have waited until they got their lives together?”
Ready, Reddit?
Reddit rushed to this post that ended up getting 5 thousand upvotes and 2.7 thousand comments. The top comment, with 10 thousand upvotes, says, “YTA because at this point it’s too late and you need to be supportive of your friends. Like, your comments are so completely unhelpful I don’t see how you are wondering if you’re the AH. And just to be clear, you are NOT the AH for thinking they’re not ready to have kids, YTA for saying it out loud.”
That was a huge theme: Don’t say anything! Especially not at this point when the baby is already on the way.
“She may be spot on in her analysis of the couple but OP sounds exhausting and judgmental as hell. How often do you go around telling people how they live their life!?”
“You’re not the reproductive police and they are having this baby whether you like it or not. I hope you don’t expect to remain friends with these people once their baby arrives because they’ll always remember how you didn’t want them to have their kid.”
“If [OP] was my friend, I’d end the friendship over this. Obnoxious, rude, and hurtful AF.”
“Moving into a bigger house IS A PART OF A GAMEPLAN,” one person said, and others quickly pointed out how hypocritical it is for OP to be upset about both houses. “They didn’t need to have their sh*t together before, they either will or won’t get it together but as long as you’re assuming they’ll fail you’re being a bad friend.”
“They’re already having a baby and your crappy comments aren’t supportive. Your friend is right in that no one is ever really prepared for the life alteration of a baby. You don’t know the future. For all you know, they’ll be great parents.”
“Has your mama ever told you if you can’t say anything nice say nothing at all? You sound judgemental as heck. This is their journey to figure out. Most children are not born under ideal conditions and do perfectly fine.”
The Other Side
The unpopular yet still vocal opinion was that OP was not the a-hole since she seemingly had the child’s best interest at heart.
“TOO MANY PEOPLE DO THIS. Raising a kid isn’t easy even with all the help and $$$$ you DO have…I hate seeing people like this have kids and think it’s so easy and they’ll ‘learn later’ 🤣 that kind of attitude alone is a red flag and they shouldn’t have a kid. That paired with no real $$ and a future mom who can’t cook and a future dad who doesn’t want to in a filthy house… yeah what could possibly go wrong…I am very much the same way [as OP], and if I’m friends with you I can’t pretend to be happy and joyous when you’re about to walk into flames and disaster. To me, it wouldn’t be me being a good friend lying by omission. Pretending. That’s not a real friend. Real friends say the hard stuff. They call you out on your shit. They help you become better people. They’re not supposed to just be ‘yes men’ and only tell you what you want to hear. To me, that’s not being a friend at all.”
“You’re not a bad person to tell people that they shouldn’t have a kid when they’ve pretty explicitly shown they are neither ready nor willing to make the real changes to support the kid,” another person said. “…Some people aren’t meant to be parents, and their actions reflect that. if you can barely provide for yourself without needing others’ help, you are unfit to raise a whole human being. Period. ‘Just be nice and ignore how they’re setting themselves up to fail’ is the biggest red flag anyone could ever say. It’s way better to be hurtful and have good actions than it is to be ‘kind’ and your ‘thoughtfulness’ lead to them having a sh*t life that was preventable.”
Everyone is saying ‘YTA’ like we aren’t talking about the impact on a child’s life.”
OP Accepted
OP ended up editing her post. First she responded to people who took issue with her timing by saying that she had expressed these concerns “many times” before her friend became pregnant.
“It wasn’t unsolicited, she would ask my opinion and I would tell her these things each time.”
Ultimately, though, OP conceded to the masses who deemed her the a-hole.
“I overstepped my boundaries and hurt people I care about, no excuses. I consider myself very fortunate that my friend answered my text message and agreed to see me. She’s allowed me to go over to her house tomorrow so that I may properly apologize to her and her husband. I do not expect them to forgive and forget but I would like to tell them I’m sorry.”
Let’s Try This Again
OP tried the whole apology thing again. This time, with more sincerity.
“I told them I was deeply sorry for being disrespectful, hurtful, and a hypocrite for calling them immature when that is what I was being myself,” OP wrote. “I explained how I severely overstepped my boundaries and that I didn’t mean to hurt them, especially my friend because she is the kindest person I know and did not deserve what I said. I told them I should have supported them from the beginning; I want to keep being part of the big moments in their lives if they’ll allow it.”
OP understood if her actions were unforgivable, but said she was “very lucky” when her friend told her she accepted her apology. “Despite my callous behavior, neither of us was eager to end a 17-year-long friendship.”
Breaking Bread
Things really are looking up. Once the expectant parents get settled in their new house, they “plan to all cook a nice meal together.” OP’s friend explained how hurts she was and that she really needs a support system now and after her daughter is born.
“She wants to still be able to connect with all of her friends to help maintain her sense of self. I told her I would do my best to be a better friend.”
OP really seems to have grown from this post, and we’re happy to see that. She said she has been doing “a lot of self-reflecting” since reading all the comments.
“One of the most important things I need to work on is learning that I don’t always need to speak, especially on matters I don’t know anything about,” she said. “Another is that if I am asked my opinion or for advice I need to be more mindful of what I say so it is constructive and not judgemental. The relationships I have with the people in my life are important to me and I don’t want to let my own selfishness get in the way of them again.”
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