We’ve established that the “Am I The A-hole” subreddit is full of, well, a-holes. It feeds off effed-up situations, but right now it’s being fueled by one that’s just bizarre. Nearly 2,000 people on Reddit have upvoted a post from a woman who is having a weird issue with her husband’s ex-wife, “Lacey.”
Some background: The woman who originally posted (the “OP”) has been married to “Chris” for 10 years and they have two kids together. Chris and Lacey were high school sweethearts, and they have four kids together.
“Lacey hated me,” OP wrote. “It was beyond our personalities. I think she was bitter over being divorced and seeing the man who she was with since 16 move on. But that’s her problem, not mine. We’ve gotten into it a few times. I’m not apologizing to her because I’m happy and she’s not.”
Every time we think we've seen it all, another Reddit user comes along to outdo the rest. https://t.co/zqdizWbehg
— SheKnows (@SheKnows) August 8, 2023
Yikes! That kind of situation is so awful and frustrating for everyone involved and, unfortunately, it’s not that uncommon. There’s usually tension between exes to begin with, and then adding new partners into the mix can bring that to new levels. We get that exes getting remarried can come with feelings of anger, resentment, and competitiveness.
What we don’t get is why Lacey is angry at OP after she basically saved one of Lacey’s sons.
Very Sad Circumstances
Chris and Lacey’s youngest son (and OP’s stepson!) “Jacob” was unfortunately diagnosed with stage 3 lymphoma. He needed a bone marrow transplant — and OP was the only family member who was a match.
“Lacey actually asked me if I was going to donate like I’m some kind of witch,” OP wrote.
OP’s Answer
“Of course I donated,” OP wrote. She then shared the great news that Jacob is in remission and is “your average 13-year-old kid.”
Lacey’s Response
Ever since, though, Lacey has “started to come around” to OP. “She knows what I did for Jacob,” OP explained. “That’s her favorite son.”
*Record scratch* He’s what? Why does she have a favorite child? And why is it obvious enough that other people know it? That’s a serious problem for another day.
“It’s bizarre to have her ask me how I’m doing or send me random flowers,” OP continued.
No Thanks
OP is not interested in whatever it is Lacey is going for. There certainly wasn’t much love beforehand, and OP doesn’t want to be friends with Lacey now. As she said, “the damage has been done.”
“My life is peaceful without her,” OP said. “I’d do what I did a million more times if I had to. No need to shower me with accolades. Just leave me alone. That’s exactly what I told her.”
Here comes the really weird part: Lacey is mad about it! “She told me that what I said was the most hurtful thing anyone has ever said or done to her.”
Um, what? This woman saved your son’s life and you’re mad that she doesn’t want your flowers? Be eternally grateful and show that gratitude by doing what OP asks for. Which is literally nothing!
Can we go ahead and amend The Golden Rule? Treat people the way they [very specifically] ask to be treated.
“My husband said I should apologize but I refuse to apologize for setting up boundaries with someone I can’t stand,” OP concluded.
Hell Freakin’ Yeah!
Reddit is wholeheartedly on OP’s side and is encouraging her to stand her ground.
The top comment has 5.7K upvotes, and maps out exactly what OP should say to Lacey.
“‘I had to literally save your child’s life (which by the way, I did not do for you) in order for you to change your view of me. But I didn’t deserve your hatred for all those years, and you deciding that I’m now ‘good enough’ doesn’t magically undo the way you treated me when you thought that I wasn’t ‘good enough.’ You owe me years’ worth of apologies and attempts to make it up to me. But the best way for you to start making it up to me is to leave me alone. The fact that you refuse to do that and are instead trying to make me feel bad for you tends to indicate that you aren’t actually sorry for how you treated me. And if you don’t regret what you did, then what are we even talking about?’ You never owe anyone your friendship. As long as you treat her politely (even if it is distant politeness) whenever your paths cross, you have fulfilled your social obligation. And I’d be curious why your husband thinks you owe her an apology for establishing a legitimate boundary.”
“OMG this. You nailed it,” one person responded.
“Holy sh*t,” another agreed. “This is the perfect response. Please copy and paste this into an email or text and send it ASAP … Thank you for helping that boy … You 100% deserve the peace you want. I hope you get it. And I hope Jacob’s mom learns the grace she needs to respect your boundaries.”
“The best thanks she can give is to leave you alone. But she couldn’t even do that.”
“Her brain is scrambling for a way to get things back to ‘normal’ where she can be the ‘victim’ and you are the ‘villain’ again, hence her dramatic reaction to your reasonable ‘we don’t have to be friends’ line in the sand. And the part she’s likely finding difficult to reconcile is that you did the selfless thing. And you’re still being selfless about it by not lording your good deed over her.”
“Wow, you donated bone marrow to her kid and she’s STILL managed to set up a situation where you’re in the wrong and she’s the victim — what skill!”
Asking to be left alone and not be guilted about it is not a big ask. And you are owed a favor.”
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