Today on the “Am I The A-hole” subreddit, there is a post that absolutely reeks of sexism and unnecessary douchey-ness. In case you’re new to this often-infuriating subreddit, it’s a place on Reddit where people congregate to tell their stories and ask if they are the a-hole in whatever drama they find themselves in.
Well, today we found a post from a dad entitled, “AITA for telling my daughter that she is smart and hardworking but not gifted?” Are you already detecting some red flags? For us, the immediate and simple question was, “Why?” Why would he downplay his daughter’s intelligence like that? What does he get out of this? Why create a situation where, yes, he could be an a**hole to his daughter? The simple answer: Because people can be the worst, and the patriarchy reigns supreme.
More than 2.2K people on Reddit have joined the conversation that starts out with the man who originally posted (the “OP”) sharing his own level of intelligence. “My wife and I both have electrical engineering degrees but I no longer work in the field and am a manager,” he said.
And we’ll admit that that’s pretty impressive. Because we are not in the business of downplaying someone’s degrees and textbook intelligence. What we and the internet are in the business of is calling it out when someone’s social and familial intelligence is nothing short of horrendous.
Off To College
OP and his wife have two kids, a 17-year-old son and a 15-year-old daughter. The two are both going to college next month. Did you catch that? Their 15-year-old is going to college already. OP’s son is going in undecided and his daughter will be studying physics and computer science. Which is pretty freakin’ impressive. Did we mention she’s 15?
“My son is also very smart and is a history and language nerd,” OP said. And that’s very cool too. We’re just going to hope OP is saying “nerd” in an endearing, joking way. Moving on!
OP’s Schooling
OP then said that his daughter is “smart and hardworking,” reminding readers that she is going to college at “an earlier age than usual,” and telling them that she had been in a school program for gifted kids. And we’re not surprised to hear that, given that she sounds incredibly bright and that, yes, she’s going to college earlier than usual (understatement!).
The Beginning Of The End
At dinner recently, OP’s wife mentioned how proud she is of their daughter, saying they are so lucky to have gifted children going to good schools and how “not many people can do what their daughter did.”
“I was also very happy but I said that while she is really hardworking and smart, I would not say that she is actually gifted and others [can] do it if they put in the same amount of work,” he continued.
Oh. No. He. Didn’t.
Digging A Deeper Hole
He explained that his wife taught their daughter college-level math and physics at an “early age”: “She didn’t naturally pick it up on her own.”
OP went on to say that his daughter is going to a school that “does a lot to try to admit girls into her program.” Heaven forbid qualified women get welcomed into spaces they deserve to be in!
“If anything, being a younger applicant with the same credentials probably helped her stand out more for the admissions committee.”
There are so many outrageous things being said here that we could spend hours unpacking, but we have so much more to get to. Is your blood boiling?
“I have seen how people can ruin their lives over thinking they are ‘gifted’ and it going to their head, so I just wanted to caution her about that,” he said, making us roll our eyes and clench our fists because seriously? He’s going to play that bullsh*t card? Trying to knock her down a peg, lest she let her gifted head get too big?
Boooooo
Unsurprisingly, OP’s wife and daughter are now “upset” with him (although we bet it’s much more than that).
“My wife thinks I was trying to put her down which is not true and says she is gifted, while my daughter actually agrees with me but says I should not have said it as she already knows.”
If she “already knows,” it’s because society has taught her that women always have to question their worth and their abilities. And now her dad is just confirming what the patriarchy has been telling her all along: “You are less than and you always will be. Whatever you have is a fluke. You are not allowed to take up space. You have nothing to be proud of. You don’t deserve to be here.” And on and on it goes.
What Does Reddit Think?
You better believe Redditors are pissed! And since OP clearly has no problem downplaying his daughter’s intelligence, the internet will not downplay his sexism and male fragility:
“YTA putting your daughter down served no positive purpose,” the top comment, with 19K upvotes, said. “Discouraging a young teen like that can have serious detrimental effects. Even if she isn’t actually gifted, you were the a-hole. That being said, she is gifted. Not every 15-year-old can go to a university to study physics. Not only is she gifted academically, she is gifted with drive and determination. Not everyone has that. And you tried to put her down.”
“Did it feel good to say that about your daughter? Does it feel good to let her know that she is not as smart or unique as other people, that like you, she is just ‘average?’ Does it feel good to correct your wife about her views regarding said daughter, and make her feel bad about her opinion? … It must really damage your pride to have two exceptional women achieving more than you.”
“Can you clarify something for me? Did your wife say you were lucky to have gifted children? Then you decided to call out your daughter as not actually gifted but say nothing about your son not being gifted. Because it reads as very sexist. Also being in a gifted program at school requires an IQ test, which she would have to score high enough on to be considered gifted.”
“Daughter is smarter than OP and OP’s super fragile little male ego can’t handle it so he’s gonna tear down her self-esteem every chance he gets.”
“There was really no need to say this other than to sh*t on your daughter’s accomplishments.”
“For starters, you should probably clarify if you have the same sentiment for your son as you do with your daughter because this post is coming across as misogynistic. Secondly, grit is a gift and arguably a better factor towards success than just being a natural prodigy. It sounds like your daughter is a mentally grounded high achiever. Please trust her confidence or else she’ll eventually think that she’s never good enough for you.”
“What you said is indefensible. You created a straw man argument to justify undermining your daughter’s confidence because you appear to be playing a zero-sum game. Your son is very smart and a nerd. But your daughter is not gifted even if she’s two years younger and heading into a STEM program … Make it make sense.”
“She’s attending university at an earlier age than the son, but she’s the one who’s not gifted?”
“Misogyny is a hell of a drug.”
Leave a Comment