It’s no secret that once someone becomes a parent, a lot of their plans and hobbies are pushed to the wayside. At least for a bit. And at least if there isn’t childcare available. Some people are able to afford babysitters and/or lean on their village, but it’s not the job of the village to be there at every beck and call.
One man on Reddit has a unique situation in which he’s being asked to “babysit” for the sake of someone else’s plans. Which is especially not cool when it’s at the expense of his own hobby. The man who originally posted — the “OP,” as Reddit says — has been married to his wife Jane for five years. She has a “sweet” 9-year-old daughter Emily who stays with Jane and OP on Mondays through Thursdays. Meanwhile, she spends the weekends with her dad.
All of that is about to change and so OP has joined the “Am I The A—hole (AITA)?” subreddit to find out if he is the a—hole for telling his wife that he is not going to “sacrifice” his weekly tradition just so he can “babysit” Emily. And if you’re sensing some red flags…yeah, that’s fair. But this probably isn’t going to go down the way you expect.
The Relationship
OP said that “from the beginning,” Jane has been clear about the relationship OP should have with Emily, saying the 9-year-old doesn’t need a second father figure.
“I was only supposed to be a trusted authority figure in case she ever needed anything. I didn’t mind and try my best to respect that boundary.”
The Step-Siblings
Emily’s dad just got remarried and now has two stepkids who stay with him Wednesday through Saturday.
“Emily and her new step-siblings don’t get along at all,” OP said. “They’re always fighting and it’s pretty toxic.”
A [Probably] Necessary Change
As such, Emily’s dad asked Jane if they can make a change to the custody schedule so that the kids are kept apart.
“It’s not a big deal in and of itself because we don’t live far from each other so picking and dropping is no issue and she can easily be dropped off at school no matter where she stays,” OP said. “The issue is my wife agreed to it without consulting me.”
Another Issue
Jane is doing a certification course for the next year and they have classes from 9-5 p.m. on Saturdays, which used to be when Emily was with her dad. And so she asked her husband if he could “babysit” Emily on Saturdays. And yes, that terminology does feel weird.
Nope
OP said he can’t watch Emily because he spends Saturday golfing with his siblings.
“This has been our tradition from before Jane and Emily came into my life and I had told Jane from much before that this is important to me and my siblings,” OP said.
Reminder: That’s more than five years!
“She asked if I can move to another day but that’s not possible either because my siblings also have jobs and families of their own so Saturday was the best day for us,” OP said. “I told her she can hire a babysitter but she doesn’t want to spend money when I can do it for free.”
The Argument
OP got mad, calling golf stupid and telling OP he should put Emily over his siblings.
“That pissed me off so I told her I’m not going to sacrifice my hobbies just so that she can have a free babysitter,” he said.
“For the record, I don’t have anything against Emily,” he continued. “I’ve babysat her before and she’s a good kid. If there was a family emergency or if it was an occasional occurrence, then yeah I would cancel golf for that day, but I can’t give up something this important to me for 12 months.”
Jane called OP a “selfish AH” and proceeded to sleep on the couch.
Reddit’s Reaction
As soon as we — and many Redditors — read the title of the post, we thought this guy was going to be a major AH. But nope, he’s actually pretty reasonable.
“It sounds like this is something that should have been worked out more carefully as a family before agreeing to,” said the top comment with 7.9K upvotes. “Is it possible that the dad/stepmom change their kids’ schedule as well? That way they have her when Jane is busy with certification courses.”
“I was ready to read this and read you for filth, but this is truly an AH move from your wife. I think it’s totally fair that she asks you to help out, but agreeing to it without talking to you, and assuming you’d consistently do this is wild! Why did she agree and then work to loop you in after?! It’s also interesting that now that your wife needs your help, Emily is your ‘stepdaughter’ where it seems like there was a clear boundary that you aren’t a father figure. If your wife wants to revisit what your role is to Emily, totally cool, but it shouldn’t be because she needs a babysitter.”
“I read the title and all I could think was ‘I swear to god if this is his child he’s having to ‘babysit’ I will lose my mind.'”
“Your wife can’t say her daughter doesn’t need you as a stepfather, but then expect you to step up as a stepfather every single Saturday when she needs you. She can to hire a babysitter. Dad and stepmom also need to step it up and work on the relationship between the new stepsiblings and get that under control because there are going to be times they are all together in the same house, that’s just life.”
“Sounds like the child’s parents need to figure this out, not the ‘trusted authority figure.'”
“NTA but I don’t get how people expect to date someone with a child and just be totally removed… It’s callous thinking. I get not being the primary go to person but in all these stories it’s so dumb to not expect to fill some parental duties when dating someone with a child. That child is a central part of the person you are dating you can’t just compartmentalize that or treat the child like a chore the bio parent is solely responsible for. I just feel like if you choose to date someone with kids at some point you will get stuck doing some childcare duties. And it shouldn’t be such a big deal that you do.”
OP responded to that comment saying, “I get what you’re saying but my wife was the one who wanted things to be this way. I was prepared to be a parental figure but my wife explicitly told me on more than one occasion that I was not supposed to play that role. Whenever I tried to say or do something that I felt was best for Emily, Jane would tell me it’s not my responsibility and to not get involved. If she wants me to be a parent now then she has to want me to be a parent all the time. I’m not a parent on demand who can just turn a switch. I don’t think it’s fair to either Emily or me.”
“Dude, I don’t even make weekend plans for my husband and me with friends without checking with him first, because that’s just rude. Your wife volunteered you to take care of her child, every Saturday for the next 12 months without consulting you, knowing you have a standing activity with your siblings on Saturdays. That is just beyond f*cked up.”
Yeah, we’re going to have to upvote all of these.
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