Listen, we’ve heard a lot of unbelievable stories about secrecy around pregnancies. There was someone recently who lied to her husband about the sex of their baby and we couldn’t pick our jaws up off the floor. The man who posted the story really wanted to have a son and, I mean, the whole gender norms reasoning is a whole other conversation. His wife knew this and told him a baby boy was on the way even though she knew it was a girl!
“She didn’t tell me, thinking she was protecting my feelings,” he said. “I was devastated, feeling the weight of past hurts and fresh betrayals. In my pain, I cleared out the nursery.”
You can read that wild ride here.
But in the most recent incident of deceit and “betrayal,” a man joined the “Am I The A—hole? (AITA)” subreddit to ask Reddit if he is an AH for yelling at his daughter. “And why would he do that?” you ask.
Because she deliberately hid her pregnancy from him. The man who originally posted — AKA the “OP” on Reddit — hashed out the details, and what’s wild is that the reasoning might be more messed up than the act itself.
The Relationship
OP’s 20-year-old daughter lives with him. During the pandemic, OP’s daughter lost her job and has apparently felt “too sad since then” to start looking for another job.
She has a boyfriend, Gary, who is also 20 and living with his parents.
“I’m not sure if Gary has ever worked but he doesn’t now, mostly he just sits around my house playing X-Box and eating my food,” OP said. “I’m not Gary’s biggest fan, but my daughter loves him so I tolerate him and have always been polite to him.”
The Surprise
About a month ago, OP’s daughter went missing for a few days. He called his ex and then messaged Gary and some of her friends.
“Eventually Gary responded with a picture of a baby and ‘Say hello to your grandson!’”
Which was quite a surprise since OP and his ex-wife didn’t know their daughter was pregnant.
“For context, she’s a bigger girl and had put on a couple of extra kilos over the last couple of months. While it seems obvious now, at the time it just seemed like normal weight gain.”
The Predicted Response
When OP’s daughter and Gary brought the baby over the next day, he (of course) confronted her about it.
“She said [she didn’t tell me about the pregnancy] because she wanted Gary to move in with us, and she knew if she’d asked before the baby was born I would have said no and that she and Gary needed to get themselves sorted, both get jobs, and find their own place to live before the baby comes.”
He told the internet she’s probably not wrong about that reaction.
Alternatively…
But, his daughter figured that if she waited until her son was born, her dad would be forced to say yes to Gary moving in with them.
“Because what kind of monster would keep their grandson from living with their father?”
“I was so mad at her reason for hiding it that I yelled at her, saying that it was an incredibly manipulative thing for her to do, and I was too angry at the moment to give her an answer about Gary,” he said. “I told her I needed time to process and think, and asked her not to talk to me for a little while.”
The Backlash
OP’s daughter called her mom crying, explaining the situation and OP’s reaction. OP then got a call from his wife who called him “cold” and said he was ruining an “exciting” and “magical” time for the family.
“She said I’d look back on this in years and feel terrible that I spent the first days of my firstborn grandchild’s life making everyone upset by being angry at my daughter and her boyfriend and stalling their plans to live together with the baby.”
“I feel like I’m justified in being angry about them intentionally trying to manipulate me, but everyone around me seems to think I don’t have a valid reason for being bothered in the first place, and that I need to get over it, move on and let them live together,” he said. “AITA?”
Reddit’s Reaction
We have to start this out by acknowledging that — though some Redditors disagree — their having a baby is not the problem! The problem is that they were secretive and manipulative all in the name of taking advantage of OP.
And then, you’re probably wondering what a lot of people were wondering: Why can’t they live with the ex-wife? What about Gary’s parents? Well, OP said his daughter and her stepfather don’t have a good relationship. And it doesn’t sound like Gary’s parents will take them in.
And don’t worry — he won’t kick his daughter and grandson out! It’s just a matter of if Gary is allowed to stay.
One other thing before we dive into the comments: The question is if he was an AH for yelling. And, as you probably know, Reddit says no! Yell, OP, yell!
“Having that news all dropped on you at once is huge…I’d tell her no overnights with Gary. If she wants to be a happy family with him, they should have gotten jobs years ago, but at the very least, Gary needs to get his act together now and get one so they can rent their own happy family home eventually.”
“Don’t let him move in. Allow visitation. This will allow him to see his kid but light a fire under their ass to get out of your house.”
“Once they realize this method worked out well for them they learn to use it against you again, OP. Don’t let Gary move in!”
“Flipping heck. Incredibly manipulative of the pair of them. They should have been honest from the onset.”
“In all honesty, I can see where your daughter gets the disgustingly manipulative elements from. The moment she got pushback she ran crying like a child to mommy who proceeded to sprinkle on the ‘it’s magical’ sentimental crap hardcore to validate your daughter’s clearly planned and tactical approach to wedging her boyfriend into your household.”
“She likely hid her pregnancy because she thought that would forestall the shouting match. Not that the shock wouldn’t feel provocative to me too. Trust me, I’d have swallowed my tongue hearing that. What she did was manipulative. You’re not wrong in saying that out loud…I’d tell my daughter that she and the baby I am willing to help as much as I can. But, no. I am not raising a grown-arsed man named Gary.”
“Your ex can support Gary if she wants…People always say ‘Get over it!’ like this is a solution to a problem. Don’t listen. They are spinning their wheels and making no useful suggestions.”
“Gary knew about the baby. And instead of stepping up and getting a job to pay for this kid, he has the audacity to mooch off you and eat your food…It’s one thing to help family, but they took this to a whole new level. They are taking advantage of you, and you need to put your foot down now.”
“They actively thought about what’s better to get sympathy: A pregnant belly or a baby.”
“Time to have a titanium spine and not be the pushover in this story…They don’t want to have the harsh reality hit them, so they want to take cover to any parent they can manipulate…I would call both your ex and Gary’s parents in for an emergency meeting for those two and let them figure it out. Everybody needs to be on the same level, and you 4 need to get the new parents a big reality check. Keep your boundaries and don’t let them mooch without a solid plan.”
“That was incredibly manipulative and deceitful on their part. It sounds like your ex-wife is just in baby mode, not reality. You are not stealing any ‘magical times’ by your reaction. They didn’t make it magical in the first place, they used this strategically to get their way. And the fact that they know you would have held them accountable for acting like adults and avoided it, speaks volumes. They should go to someone who will support their delusions- like ex-wife or Gary’s house. It is insulting to you that they tried to pull this type of stunt.”
Because — as with every single AITA situation — more communication was and is needed. Preferably without any secrets this time
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