It is a woman’s decision who to tell about her pregnancy and when. Full stop. Unfortunately, a man on the “Am I The A—hole (AITA)?” subreddit missed that memo. He revealed that his wife was pregnant without her consent, and it [understandably] didn’t go over well.
Some of you may be thinking the same thing the man who originally posted — the “OP,” in Reddit lingo — thought: “In my defense, it’s not just her news to share, it’s OURS and I feel like it was completely reasonable to tell [this person].”
But remember what we said up top? It’s not his decision. Especially not after what his wife went through. He explained that a few days ago, he and his wife found out she is pregnant. This comes after she suffered a miscarriage, and after a year of trying to conceive after that tragic and traumatic experience.
“We are both obviously super happy and excited to become parents,” OP said in his Reddit post.
Because of course they are! And of course they will want to share this news with their loved ones who we’re sure will be super happy and excited too. But — at the risk of sounding like a broken record — that news should only be shared when his wife is ready.
Scene Of The Crime
OP said that yesterday he went out to lunch with his mom and told her the news. “She was thrilled for my wife and I,” he said. “I didn’t think anything of it until when I told my wife that I told my mom and she was immediately upset with me.
Her Side
OP’s wife said she wasn’t ready for people to know about the pregnancy given her miscarriage. Now that her mother-in-law knows she’s pregnant, she will also know if she has another miscarriage.
“When I asked her why that is such a big deal all she could say was, ‘it just is’ and that I wouldn’t understand,” OP wrote.
His Side
Again, OP doesn’t see the problem since it’s his news too and his mom is an immediate family member who he is “very close with.”
“I also know for a fact she already told her sister so I just don’t see how me telling my mom is a problem,” he said. “She also never communicated to me that she wanted me to keep the news to myself.”
Still At Odds
OP’s wife is still “very” mad at him and giving him the silent treatment.
“She avoids me like I am the one who did something bad,” he said. “Again, I really don’t think I did anything wrong here. While I understand that it’s her body I think it’s unfair that she can tell her support system but I’m not allowed to tell mine.”
Making Amends
OP edited his post to say that after rereading his posts and his comments, he “realized he sounds like a dick” and apologized to his wife.
“She accepted my apology, and we made up and got sushi,” he said. “Thank you Reddit for helping me realize I was in the wrong lol.”
He then edited his post a second time after noticing a “trend.”
“My wife did not have raw fish sushi, she had a California roll with imitation crab, which is perfectly fine from everything we read.”
Reddit’s Reaction
People were in the comments writing novels over this one! They pretty much agreed that OP, you are the a—hole (YTA). Even if only a little bit.
“Soft YTA. First I wish you a healthy full-term pregnancy, and I am very sorry for your earlier loss. But while it is your shared news, you are not the one who is currently watching their body like a hawk for signs of anything amiss. You aren’t the one whose body is now responsible for this new little life and you aren’t the one whose hormones will be swinging wildly. Has her sister had children? She probably wants someone to text every little ache and pain to who can talk her off the ledge, especially during the early days, so that she doesn’t start Googling and freak herself out. She does need a support system, and that isn’t saying you don’t but you should have cleared it with her.”
“It’s shared news. Aka: You tell your mom together, and at a minimum, you talk to her before you tell anyone. And yeah…her choosing who she tells until it feels safe is COMPLETELY fair. And if you’re arguing about this please take the time to get on the same page ASAP cause babies = relationship stress.”
“This is equally an argument to keep the information private until you have both agreed to share it. Honestly OP, your wife is going to deal with much more invasive questions and comments than you will so she should probably have a greater say in sharing the information.”
“It isn’t your pregnancy. Yeah, the meninists can come out for me but the woman is the one going through the physical changes, hormonal ups and downs. The woman is the one who has to push a child out of her vagina. They say, ‘Women become mothers the minute they’re pregnant whereas men become fathers after the baby is born’…The trauma of miscarriage hits a woman very differently than it does a man. So you should have waited to speak to her when she’s comfortable to share and only then tell the news.”
“People aren’t mind readers and communication is key…I don’t think he told his mom to disrespect his wife. He was just excited and knew she’d told someone and thought it was OK to do the same. They both could have communicated better.”
“Wow, Wow, WOW…you really can’t be this obtuse…yes, the two of you are married and you’re both ‘sort of’ pregnant. But now listen very carefully. My wife endured two miscarriages..there is no way, repeat NO WAY, we as men can fully understand the emotions women go through if a pregnancy goes wrong. Furthermore…did you swear your mother to secret or has she now told everyone and anyone that you’re expecting? Now…think for a moment about what this will put your wife through if, heaven forbid, something goes wrong with the pregnancy. If by now 47 other people know about the pregnancy and something does go wrong…imagine your poor wife having to explain 47 times over her heartache and how it makes her feel? So yes…you are a clueless AH.”
“There’s a lot to unpack here. So, I do think there’s a core communication issue here…Think about all the little conversations of having to break the news of the miscarriage to people…20 people who know now is potentially 20 new little tragedies to twist the knife, down the road. She’s scared, my dude…I can completely understand why she wouldn’t want the news to be out-out yet…As far as telling her sister… this is the key here; she’s allowed to tell someone close to her…she needs the support of people she trusts…she’s also allowed to keep that group of people as limited or as expansive as she wants…I think it’s perfectly reasonable that that group includes her sister and you, but doesn’t include your mom…This is a both-or-nothing situation. You both need to agree to loop someone in, or they don’t get looped in…remember, a veto now, isn’t a veto forever.”
It’s interesting to us that after getting a bad reaction for telling his mom, OP thought it was a good idea to tell thousands of people on the internet (albeit anonymously). Hopefully, he’s learned his lesson to keep things mum until mummy-to-be gives him the all-clear. But most of all, we hope OP’s wife has a healthy pregnancy — and that the two of them can have more open conversations over [imitation] sushi.
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