Mean comments — especially about looks — stick with women for a long time. Because as a society, looks reign supreme, and women are taught from a young age that they should never have a strand of hair out of place.
*Gives the patriarchy an infuriated side eye*
And while any sort of insult (intentional or otherwise) from a peer is hurtful, a mean comment from a loved one is downright devastating. That’s why a woman joined the “Am I The A—hole? (AITA)” subreddit to find out if she was wrong to clap back at her mom for all the awful things she’s said over the years. The 32-year-old who originally posted (the “OP,” as Reddit says) said that this has been going on forever.
“Since I was a little girl, she would openly tell me how bad some piece of clothing looked on me, how this other dress was not flattering, how I shouldn’t wear my hair some type of way,” she said.
After many years of being bullied by her mom, OP finally stood up for herself. It was not well-received, so now she wants to know, “AITA for telling my mom that making hurtful comments about my looks is disrespectful and f*cked up?”
What “Started” This
Obviously we know this fight has been a long time coming, but it was set in motion when OP decided to dye her hair darker than usual.
“As I was doing it, I could hear the exact comments [my mom] was gonna say about it playing in my head,” OP said. “And it went exactly how I imagined it.”
The Comments
As soon as OP’s mom saw her hair, she told her she “went too dark.” Wow. Thanks, mom.
“She said, ‘You don’t look good in that color, you should have gone with a lighter brown.'”
The Fallout
OP asked her mom why she would say something bad about her daughter’s appearance when she “clearly would never do that” to a friend or coworker.
“I then added, ‘This kind of comment only accentuates the lack of confidence I already have from all your previous criticism during my life.'”
OP’s mom allegedly “lost it.”
“She started yelling and slamming doors and telling me how aggressive I was for saying that,” OP wrote. “She also said her favorite phrase that she uses anytime someone tells her that what she said was wrong: ‘I can’t say anything to you, you can’t take any kind of comment.'”
Reddit’s Reaction
Oh. No. She. Didn’t. Reddit said they hate that kind of BS phrase.
“[It’s] up there with ‘can’t you take a joke?'” one person said.
“[That’s] code for ‘I want to say whatever toxic/disrespectful comment I want without accountability.’ Time to [have no contact] with your mom (her escalation is concerning).”
“‘I can’t say anything to you.’ Ok, that sounds like a good deal.”
(Oh, and in case you didn’t guess this by now, Reddit agreed that OP is not the a—hole (NTA) here.)
“Your mom is batsh*t crazy if slamming doors is her reaction to a basic question.”
“People like your mom suck! Never having anything good or kind to say, always just nitpicking and complaining. And she knows she’s the AH, bc she blows up on you and tries to make it your fault somehow.”
“My mom is the same way and I’m very very low contact with her. Every time she asks why we don’t have a better relationship, I say something similar to what you did, very calmly, but then the gaslighting starts and I’m like, ‘Yup saw that coming’ and then disappear for another 6-12 months.”
“Dear OP, I wish I could give you a hug and a cup of tea to comfort you and you are NTA,” one person said, starting off a comment that made us seriously emo. “I am truly sorry you have a parent who keeps on criticizing you non-stop on how you wear your hair or your choice of attire. I don’t blame you for standing up for yourself and your mum here is the one that truly is problematic…Are you seeing a counselor or a therapist? If you are, I hope you get your healing and validation…If you have not, I encourage you to seek it ASAP…My advice to you is this, remember this as a mantra and I want you to remind yourself this every day. ‘My hair, my fashion choice, my body, my business. I love myself and I love my look. If they don’t like then thats too bad for them. I AM ENOUGH.'”
And yes, we’re now tearing up and taking notes.
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