Parents of young kids know how hard it can be to get two free minutes to go to the bathroom without someone screaming, crying, breaking something, or barging in. And so when we heard about a dad of a 1- and 3-year-old who spends nearly an hour in the bathroom every day after work while his wife tries to make dinner (also a struggle with two little kids!), we almost went haywire.
A mom posted on the “Am I The A—hole? (AITA)” subreddit to talk about her husband’s evening routine.
She is a stay-at-home mom (SAHM) who works one or two overnight shifts as a nurse (she shared that tidbit, and the fact that she’s studying for a bachelor’s degree in the comments) but is usually at home with her two kids. Her husband, she said, is a “blue collar” construction worker.
“He works long days, his job is pretty physical, and he works really hard,” the woman who originally posted (the “OP”) said. “He gets up at 5 a.m. and gets home by 6:30 p.m. My days are usually around the same, give or take an extra hour in the morning.”
As soon as he gets home, he heads to the bathroom, prompting OP to ask, “AITA for not letting my husband shower when he wants?”
And you better believe Reddit has a whole bunch of feelings.
What Happens?
OP said that “every single day” her husband wants to go to the bathroom and take a shower the second he gets in the driveway.
“This would be one thing if he was quick, but he takes at least 25 minutes on the toilet and 25-minute showers, and I cannot start dinner with the kids hanging off my legs,” she said. “They just scream and cry every single time.”
The Request
OP explained that she only has a 2-hour window to get dinner ready, eat, clean up the dishes and chairs, and get the kids — who are now in “the tantrum phase” — bathed and ready for bed.
“I’ve started to ask him to wait until they go to bed,” she said. “… He complied at first, but he’s now telling me it’s very unfair to ask him to sit in dirty clothes and be a sweaty mess for two hours until they get to bed.”
She said she understands that’s uncomfortable, but she thinks it’s a fair ask given that she’s been alone with the kids for close to 13 hours and also has her own needs.
The Argument
“He got really snippy with me today and said I was being incredibly selfish when I asked him to wait,” OP said. “I said I felt he was being selfish by running to the bathroom for almost an hour every time he gets home when he knows I have stuff to get done too.”
The First Edit
After getting lots of comments (there are currently more than 4.8K!), OP edited her post to address “decompression time.”
“None of this is about decompression time,” she insisted, “it’s about getting the kids to bed on time because they wake up even earlier if I don’t get them to bed by 8 p.m.”
“We have plenty of time after they go to sleep for ourselves, and I don’t mind him doing whatever he wants to do at that point.”
Also!
She also wanted to say that she used the word “construction” as a general term. She claimed she doesn’t want to share her husband’s job title since there are people on the subreddit who know her (and could possibly identify her with this information).
“Some [people] are acting like he’s covered in mud, filth, and fiberglass — he’s not. He’s a very sweaty person and his job is not ‘dirty.'”
The Second Edit
OP said some people are “misunderstanding” her request.
“I’m not asking him to wait two hours to shower, I’m asking him to wait 30 minutes so I can get dinner done, get him and the kids fed, and then he has the rest of the evening to himself to shower, decompress, play his games, etc. I take care of the rest of the night.”
The Real Problem
Before we get into who Reddit thinks is the a—hole here, let’s address the eye roll-worthy Redditor who said OP has “failed to identify the real issue.”
“But that’s not actually your fault either, you just have young kids … It has nothing to do with your husband’s shower or when you do things. You need a physical barrier like a kiddy fence or some other way to divide your children from where you are … they are not necessarily capable of recognizing that you need to be physically away to perform tasks, but you are the adult, and you get to make those decisions because you DO know when you need to be physically away. They will scream and cry. Sucks to be them. You are not required to deal with every single tantrum (and ignoring it will help them learn that screaming and crying is not an effective tactic to control you … Get used to ‘Use your words sweetie’) and the earlier they learn that you are in control, the earlier they’ll stop trying to control you.”
… Well that’s mighty condescending. Even if a playpen is a good idea. And also, has this person ever met an actual toddler?
Team YTA
Reddit was super divided on this one. A lot of people said OP is the a—hole because they believe her husband needs an immediate shower.
“You want someone who’s been working and commuting since 5 a.m. in a physically intense job for 12+ hours to immediately come home and be responsible for supervising kids in contaminated work clothing because you won’t give him an hour to decompress after work … when is he actually allowed to eat on this timeline? Does have to eat dinner dirty in his work clothes (aka he’s stuck in work clothes for 14+ hours) since you won’t let him shower? Does he go wash when you finish making dinner so he gets cold food after 12+ hours of working?”
“Shower time is excessive but I can’t believe you would want someone that just came home from construction not showering and changing clothes as soon as he walks in the house, much less taking care of children.”
“As a tree trimmer, I usually climb trees all day for work … I feel like the scum of the earth until I shower. I have to shower before I do anything else, and it is non-negotiable for me.”
“Let the man have his peace he’s providing y’all quite the life from how it seems if all he wants is an hour after work he should be able to get that. Ask him to sh*t after dinner, take a 25-minute shower, and please help … I’m sure he would [do it] if you sat down and spoke to him like an adult and didn’t come off as preachy. The man just worked his balls off the last thing he needs is you barking at him.”
“How do you manage other meals/chores while your spouse is out at work? Seems to me you can try and feed the kids earlier/occupy them however you do during the day while you do other chores.”
Team NTA
Then there are those who say OP is not the a—hole because … an hour?! He should spend that hour being a dad.
“Asking for a 50-minute bathroom trip to be cut by 20-25 minutes is not much of an ask. OP is a SAHM, student, and an overnight nurse. Having this combo she either has 12-24 hour days of household labor/studying and/or nursing. When is her time to decompress? He should be able to cut his pooping and shower time short.”
“A father who takes 25-minute dumps and 25-minute showers while his wife is slowly losing her mind is an a—hole. When do these geniuses think was the last time she was in the bathroom alone for 50 minutes? She takes 3-minute showers and we all know it. Respect is earned. I don’t respect a man who sees his wife struggling with HIS children and thinks it’s appropriate to spend time on his phone playing games when he could be using that time to PARENT. She puts in just as many hours as he does … she needs that shower just as much as he does. Why does she have to put aside her physical needs for the family but he can’t? Where’s the respect for her time? She absolutely earns the respect here, he doesn’t.”
“All the people calling you the AH have no clue what it’s like to be a parent … You and your husband BOTH work incredibly ridiculously hard.”
“This is more for your husband to think on: The days are long, but the years are short. These are probably some of the toughest years you will have until they are teens. But does he want the kids to remember that he would come home and disappear for an hour and really just have time to say goodnight to them? Because they will remember this. Those kids probably throw themselves at him when he gets home because they are so eager to see him — and then he shakes them off and vanishes for nearly an hour?”
“Those are his kids too, he knows this right?”
Suggestion Box
So where do these parents go from here? Don’t worry, Reddit has suggestions. Some are helpful. Some are condescending. That’s just how the internet goes.
“I’d suggest having the kids cleaned up before dinner and maybe play a game with them to see who could ‘stay the cleanest while they eat’ or some other creative way to teach them how to not be such Neanderthals (no offense, they are all Neanderthals imo) … Seems like an easy fix to this situation.”
“I guess I don’t understand why you can’t cook simpler meals, not bathe them every day…get them in bed and do the dishes. Are you working during the day? You could meal prep a little at a time. I was basically a single mom for years because my husband was a workaholic and never home.”
“Maybe your husband needs to meal prep on weekends for the family … And, if it really takes him 25 minutes to poop, he should see a doctor.”
“If he won’t cook, as you said, he needs to be doing the dishes and cleanup to keep it fair. That means he gets his 1-hour bathroom break, and you get hopefully a 1-hour break because you can finish the kids’ bedtime process sooner while he’s handling cleanup. That’s just fair, there’s no argument there. If he wants that time, he needs to be sure you have that time, too … Another possible solution if he’s still resistant to shorter bathroom time and helping out: don’t push yourself to get it all done. The dishes can wait until the next day. Like, they will survive in the sink until tomorrow … Just be easier on yourself, and make sure you still steal the time you get from it for yourself.”
“He can take a quick sh*t and shower when he gets home then take a more in-depth shower when the kids are in bed. Yeah, having responsibilities sucks and is tiring AF. But he’s literally ruining your nightly routine over something he could easily change.”
“The comments here are the most insane I’ve ever seen on an AITA post. I have to assume 99% of them are from elementary-aged children without jobs and without kids to make sense. Neither of your jobs trumps the other. You work all day in the home and he works all day outside of it. When he comes home, he should be equally participatory in things like cooking/cleaning/watching the kids. Either he agrees to a 20min shower/poop with a set timer or he has to wait until after they’re in bed to get clean. If he goes over the 20mins, turn off the internet and the hot water.”
OMG she would be our actual hero if she did. Now we’re desperately awaiting a third update that says she disconnected the router and shut off the water heater.
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