Parents have a lot of work to do and decisions to make when one of their children is struggling in school. Is it because of a behavioral or medical problem that needs to be addressed? Is it because they need extra support? Is it because they just won’t put down their screen? Knowing the reason, and the right way to handle it, can be tough — and can cause a strain on familial relationships when parents disagree about the next steps.
A man joined the “Am I The A—hole? (AITA)” subreddit to find out if he was wrong for how he handled one such situation. He and his wife Sarah have been married for five years, he said. Sarah has a 16-year-old daughter, Emma, from a previous marriage, and this man who originally posted — the “OP” in Reddit lingo — is still trying to work out the kinks of his and Emma’s relationship.
“Emma has always been a bit of a challenge to connect with, but over the past few years, we’ve developed a pretty good relationship,” he said. “She’s been struggling with her grades recently, specifically with math.”
“Her mother and I tried to help her, but it’s been a long time since we were in school,” he continued, “and we couldn’t really provide the support she needed.” If you’ve tried to help your kid with their math homework recently, you can probably vouch for this.
How It Started
OP and his wife talked about getting a tutor for Emma, but she was “adamant” that Emma “figure it out on her own.”
“Sarah believes that struggling is a natural part of life, and it builds character,” he said. “I agreed with her to some extent, but I also believe that there’s no harm in providing a little extra support when needed.”
OP’s Decision
OP decided to go rogue and secretly hire a tutor for Emma. Emma and her tutor have been meeting at the library after school for the past two months, and OP said her grades have “significantly improved.”
“Emma was grateful for the help and didn’t have a problem keeping it a secret from her mother,” he said.
The Argument
OP’s wife found out, though, when one of her friends mentioned seeing Emma at the library with her tutor.
“Sarah was furious, accusing me of undermining her parenting and going behind her back. She claims I should have respected her decision, and I’ve damaged our trust.”
What About Emma?
Meanwhile, OP claimed that Emma has been “ecstatic” about her progress and is “finally feeling confident” in math class.
“She’s even considering taking more advanced math classes next year,” he said. “I feel like I did the right thing for Emma, but I understand why Sarah is upset.”
So, the OP asked of Reddit, “AITA for secretly hiring a tutor for my stepdaughter?”
Reddit’s Reaction
You may be thinking (like many people did) that it was wrong of OP to go behind his wife’s back and have his stepdaughter lie to her. And in most circumstances, it would be. But Reddit got past that pretty quickly, saying that in this case, OP was right to do what he did.
“I struggled with math in high school … My parents got me a tutor and it really did work wonders for me … I started loving math after that and would feel such validation when I started acing the tests. Sometimes people just need a little bit of extra help and you provided that so that seems like good parenting to me. I don’t understand your wife’s view on the subject at all and I disagree with it completely.”
“The tutor isn’t doing the work for her or taking the tests for her. Emma is actively putting in the work herself by doing extra school outside of school for her own benefit. Rock on Emma! Your wife however … just … why?… Maybe you could be called the bumhead for being sneaky about it, but it sounds like Sarah would have said no either way. And you put Emma’s needs above your wife’s weird life philosophy that to struggle needlessly is necessary. Sounds like you were being a good dad. *high-five*”
“Speaking as someone who’s independent to a maladaptive degree, asking for help when it’s appropriate is an important skill that Sarah is actively preventing Emma from developing.”
“Sorry, what is this ridiculous nonsense?…’Yeah I don’t want to give my kid the best start in life because it builds character.’ As someone who really struggled in school, it was not character-building, it was crushing and embarrassing and gave me huge self-esteem issues. Turns out that I have dyscalculia and just needed things explained differently. My life would have been so much less stressful and confusing if someone had tried to help … Absolutely not an AH for helping a struggling kid.”
“I guess I can understand some parents’ belief that kids need to figure things out on their own … but school is something that could possibly have lasting effects on her future. Why would someone risk screwing their kid’s future up to prove a point?”
When it comes down to it, one Redditor wrapped it up in a neat little bow: “Should you have gone behind your wife’s back? No. Is your wife an AH for not giving her child the support she needs? Yes.” And while OP and Sarah might continue to argue, we can’t argue with that comment.
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