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We know (and love!) that families come in all different shapes and sizes. Of course, a child could have a mom and a dad they live with, a mom or a dad they live with, two moms, two dads, or maybe a different family member (biological or otherwise) is the primary caregiver. And on it goes. Well, today we stumbled upon an entirely different kind of family on Reddit.
A woman joined the “Am I The A—hole? (AITA)” to talk about her “unusual domestic situation.” She called it “absolutely insane” and asked us to “bear with her.” And we’re so glad we did because it’s not “absolutely insane” — it’s absolutely beautiful.
This woman who originally posted (the “OP” as Reddit says), has been best friends with a man named Adam her whole life.
“Adam is gay,” she said in her post. “I was the first person he came out to and he was my roommate for a long time after his parents found out and things got ugly.”
Adam married John, whom OP and Adam were close friends with in college. “So we’ve all been tight for a long time,” OP said.
“I’ve decided that I’m not the marrying type,” OP clarified, “but I did want to have children and Adam and John also wanted a family, so we decided to kill two birds with one stone.”
OP’s Family
OP, Adam, and John now have two sons — an 8-year-old and a 6-year-old. Both kids are biologically OP’s, and Adam and John are each a biological father to one of the boys.
“It’s worked out way better than we could ever have hoped.”
Don’t Worry
First of all, if you — like many Redditors — are worried about the legal logistics of this family, you don’t need to be. They have everything figured out.
“Please, with your unusual arrangement (which sounds great), make sure ALL of your legal ducks are in order in case one or more of you dies or if Adam and John divorce,” one Redditor said.
“Regular breakups and divorces are bad enough. Add in another partner or two and things get really messy especially if kids are involved,” another person said.
“Oh, we made sure [everything is in order]. John’s dad is a lawyer and helped us find a specialist who could get everything locked down as tight as possible in case the worst happens,” OP responded.
OK, now that we have those concerns out of the way … on with the rest!
Their Living Situation
Recently, the three parents decided to buy a bigger house and live together.
“The boys are getting to the age that they could do with their own rooms and all us adults have been roommates before so we know we live well together, plus it would simplify things a lot,” OP said. “The boys love us all being in the same house and it’s a good arrangement for everyone.”
How unconventional but incredible is that?!
Their House Guests
In the last couple of years, Adam has been talking to his parents and they are “trying to repair the relationship” that was damaged when Adam came out. He has apparently been feeling “positive” about the progress and so OP, Adam, and John agreed that his parents could come meet their grandsons.
“Because we always thought of the kids as all of ours and the kids call us all their parents, it didn’t really occur to me that the bio parentage would be an issue for Adam’s parents,” OP said.
The Start Of The Fight
Things went well and everyone was “behaving,” OP said, until the kids went to bed. OP went to her room to give Adam and John some private time to talk with his parents.
She heard Adam raise his voice, and soon after, his mom was knocking on OP’s door.
“It boiled down to she and her husband wanted to know which of the boys was their [biological] grandson,” OP said. “I had a suspicion that something was up so I told her that she needed to talk to Adam and John about it. They refused to answer the question because both boys are their children, so she wanted me to.”
And On It Goes
OP said the whole thing got “really uncomfortable.”
“Adam and his dad aren’t speaking, and I’ve gotten some messages from his mom trying to backtrack but also press for info at the same time,” OP said.
One of OP’s friends said it was smart not to tell the parents without Adam and John’s permission, but also said OP was “delving into AH territory.” The friend said it’s “not wrong” for Adam’s parents to want to know who is biologically their grandson, “especially” since John’s parents know that information.
“[John’s parents] only know because they were very involved with helping us with the pregnancies and when the boys were tiny since my parents passed on,” OP explained.
And so now she’s asking Reddit, “AITA for refusing to tell my son’s grandparents which of my children is their grandson?”
Reddit’s Reaction
Reddit is fully Team OP. These grandparents should not need to know which child they are biologically related to, and that is totally Adam’s prerogative to share that information if and when he wants to.
“Both boys are their son’s children, so both boys are their grandchildren.”
“Exactly. They are both their grandchildren, are they planning to only love one?”
“They discarded their own son due to his sexual orientation for many years. Of course they’re going to favor their ‘true’ biological grandson over their other grandson. It’s absolutely deplorable. These people should not be allowed a relationship with the kids at all. They suck. OP is NTA whatsoever.”
“Hopefully, he’ll be straight so they can start over with a shiny new boy,” someone joked. “For real, though. They want to start over. I’d watch those boys like a hawk and make sure everyone in their school does also. Make sure the grandpoops are on a ‘do not release to…’ list with teachers or any care/medical professionals.”
“Just wanted to say that grandpoops sounds absolutely brilliant. I called my dad’s mother my grandmonster but it’s nice to have more options lol. And yeah OP needs to keep the kids away from them. They sound unhinged.”
“See I thought maybe it was about an inheritance, and I’m curious if legally one child over the other would get preference. I actually have no idea. But if I was OP I’d probably respond with ‘actually they’re both adopted’ just to see her reaction. Does she look concerned? Relieved? Confused? And then I’d say ‘just kidding; why do you want to know?’ Let her sit in discomfort until she can give an honest answer.”
Yes, OP, yes! Redditors can speculate until the cows come home, but you should hear it from the horse’s mouth. And no matter the answer, you three parents get to make the call. The grandparents are not entitled to know, and you’re not required to put up with their BS.
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