Today we stumbled upon a very distressing internet quandary. A 36-year-old woman joined the “Am I The A—hole? (AITA?)” subreddit to air out her family drama. (Which is the norm in that WTF-inducing vortex.) We’ve seen everything on there. Families feuding over baby names. In-laws stealing money and getting into heated babysitting debates. Brides who want childless or clothes-less weddings. “Deadbeat” surrogates and “unfaithful” 7-year-olds. And now that I think about it, I take the whole “we’ve seen everything” thing back because something even more outlandish is bound to come along. *Sigh*
One other thing we [infuriatingly] see way too often on Reddit is people sticking their noses into a couple’s family planning and fertility journey. No matter how many times we scream into the void that people need to mind their own damn business, we are once again faced with a couple who has been poked and prodded about pregnancies (or the lack thereof).
A 36-year-old woman joined AITA today to find out if she is the a—hole for how she recently handled a similar situation. Her husband Dan’s parents have been asking a lot about kids, and the woman who originally posted (the “OP”) had a questionable tactic for shutting down those conversations.
How It All Started
OP didn’t know if she wanted kids, but that changed when she met Dan. They wanted to have kids together, but unfortunately found out last year that they have a low chance of conceiving.
“We saved up for a round of IVF but it was unsuccessful and a sore topic for the both of us,” OP said. “Dan wants to discuss it, but it’s something I struggle with.”
Tragic News
In the meantime, Dan’s sister suffered a miscarriage. When it happened, OP’s mother-in-law stayed with her daughter and helped around the house.
“My MIL is a lovely woman, but she can be invasive,” OP said. “She has a fix-it mentality and asked my SIL about trying again, adoption, and fertility treatments pretty soon after.”
OP’s Assumption
OP said she doesn’t think her MIL was trying to be malicious when suggesting those things. “But I know if I told her [about my and Dan’s fertility struggles] she would have the same questions for me that I am not prepared to answer.”
At the start, OP had told her MIL that neither she nor Dan wanted kids, but her MIL kept pressing. So then she decided to lie. “I told her Dan didn’t want kids actually to get her to stop,” OP said.
Dan found out and is understandably upset. So now OP wants to know, is she the AH for how she handled the situation?
Reddit’s Reaction
Before we really dive into the comments, we just have to acknowledge how painful these conversations must be for OP — just as they are for any family trying to conceive. So we understand that she must have been filled with a lot of complex feelings when her MIL prodded. Once again, we urge people to stop thinking they are entitled to the details of anyone else’s family planning.
Reddit feels for OP too, but they can’t deny that she was indeed the a—hole here.
“You didn’t owe your MIL any sort of explanation or justification, but it was a bit slimy to throw your husband to the wolf to escape yourself, especially by giving a false reason without his prior agreement — he is justifiably annoyed at you. Either straight-forwardly handing the issue over to your husband to handle, or drawing a line in the sand yourself and telling her that topic wasn’t up for discussion would have been honorable, but you took the coward’s way out.”
“OP did the easy thing, not the correct thing. I understand wanting to have a quick and easy way to protect one’s feelings but lying about such an important subject was not the proper way to do it.”
“The one thing we can derive is that OP refuses to talk about it even with her own husband … No one is saying that OP needs to disclose every bit of health information to anyone who asks, but it seems like she is burying her head in the sand and refusing to acknowledge the issue, even with her own husband. She just dug herself a hole and destroyed a lot of trust, especially in her own marriage.”
“Ffs if you’re gonna lie then blame yourself at least.”
“You married this man. He may be hurting just as much as you are over the infertility in your lives … I’d just come clean to MIL. A solid boundary you can set would be ‘We want kids, but as of now our options are a bit limited. I will not be discussing this topic further as it is very sensitive and painful for me.’ Dan can back you up that way, rather than trying to scramble to cover up a lie.”
Fertility journeys and family planning have so much nuance and can come with so much pain, but ultimately Reddit agrees that OP has to dig through that, come clean, and apologize to her loved ones. OP and Dan’s situation is no one’s fault, so it’s unfair of her to falsely, and publicly blame him.
But again we say, louder for the people in the back: If people would stop being nosy about other people’s family plans, this would never have happened in the first place.
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