When “hillbilly boomer” is used in the first sentence of a Reddit post, you know it’s going to be a good one. “Good” as in juicy. Probably problematic. But “good.” And the latest post on the “Am I The A—hole? (AITA?)” subreddit definitely (and unfortunately) delivered.
The parent who originally posted (the “OP” in Reddit lingo), joined the subreddit to talk about their father, who is said “hillbilly boomer.” OP loves him even though they disagree on many subjects. What complicated things further, was, of course, money. Regardless of his hillbilly-ness or his boomer-ness, this man has reportedly “worked hard his entire life and has saved up and invested well.”
“He has always helped all of his grandkids with college,” OP said. “He is not college-educated himself and he thinks a college degree is the greatest contributor to your future.”
He was helping OP’s daughter pay for college until she shared some major news. Now OP wants to know, “AITA for telling my daughter that she made her choices and now has to live with the consequences?”
People are coming at this from all different angles in the comments. And while there have definitely been times when Redditors haven’t agreed on who is the a—hole in a situation, this might be the messiest we’ve seen it get. Because it’s just hard to focus when there’s so much to unpack.
OP’s Daughter
OP’s daughter is transgender and recently started transitioning.
“When my daughter told me what she felt and what she was going to do I supported her,” OP said. “I told her that she should probably avoid my father.”
OP also, having an inkling about how their father would react, told her she needed to start looking for a cheaper living situation for college and consider moving home to save on rent and finishing her degree at a nearby school. OP’s daughter was adamant that she stay in her current apartment and current school where her friends were, saying her mental health would suffer if she were to move.
“She said that her grandfather loves her and that she doesn’t need my help since she has him,” OP said. “She said that I was trying to control her and change her mind. I wasn’t. I fully support her. But I cannot afford an apartment in the city where she is studying.”
Grandpa’s Reaction
OP said their daughter came to Christmas dinner in her “new persona.” Which is an extremely ignorant way to put it, given that this isn’t some character she’s playing. But we can only focus on one bigot for now. Because, lo and behold, the “hillbilly boomer” kicked OP’s daughter out.
“I told my dad that he needed to accept that she was his granddaughter now,” OP said. “He will not. He immediately canceled the money he was sending her. He has stated that he is changing his will and leaving her a dollar and splitting her inheritance between all his ‘normal’ grandchildren.”
All his “normal” grandchildren? Meaning all his cisgender grandchildren? Are you seeing red like we are?
“I tried talking to him about it but he is adamant,” OP said. “I spoke with my brother about it. I thought maybe we could provide a united front. He said that he isn’t going to put his kid’s future at risk to help ‘her.'”
OP’s Plan
OP’s daughter is “freaking out.” Probably for a lot of reasons. She’s transitioning, her grandfather who she thought loved her unconditionally has disowned her, and now her education hangs in the balance. OP said they have only enough money to cover her January and February rent. She has this current semester paid for and then they’ll probably need to look at getting financial aid.
“I’m about to retire,” OP said. “At least that was the plan. This has thrown me for a loop.”
OP’s daughter is telling OP that they need to be “more supportive.” She recommended keeping her two siblings from Grandpa in the hopes that cutting off contact will make him realize all he stands to lose and change his mind.
“I know my dad,” OP said. “This will not work.”
“I reminded her that I told her that changes might occur because of her decision,” they wrote. “And that those consequences cannot fall completely on me. She says that I’m manipulating her. I’m trying my best in a situation I don’t really understand.”
Now OP wants to know, are they the AH for issuing the ol’ “I told ya so?”
Reddit’s Reaction
The comments are an absolute mess on this post. Because there are so many things to address.
First and foremost, is OP an AH for what they said to their daughter? Eh. Not quite. Was it spiteful? Yes. Is an “I told you so” cool? Not exactly. But are they an a—hole for it? Reddit says not really.
“OP warned her about how her grandfather would react so she shouldn’t have been surprised. She expected that everything would stay the same. She needs to adjust and adapt. You shouldn’t put off your retirement. You gave options of moving home, a cheaper college, getting roommates and she is refusing to work with you.”
And thus began the living situation debate, Redditors coming at each other with keyboards blazing.
“Clearly she’s quite immature too. Oh the horror of living in dorms or with, gasp, roommates! What an entitled a—hole OP has raised,” one person said.
“She is trans and this can definitely cause issues of safety for her. It’s not entitlement,” another pointed out.
“OP stated the solo living was for mental health, not safety. These days it seems the term ‘mental health’ is used more and more as an excuse to get whatever it is that they want,” another said.
(And yes, we could write a whole monologue on just those three comments alone.)
What was astounding to us was how much scrolling it took to acknowledge that the grandpa is an AH. Sure, that’s not what the true question was, but we’ve seen Redditors go after homophobic a—holes time and time again.
Instead, there was a lot of, “Listen, I don’t know in which LaLaLand these kids are living, but her grandpa acted like many others I know would … I hate that they can’t accept it and see it as normal, but they’re conservatives, from another time, call them bigots if you want, but take reality check.” And, “It’s an old guy and there aren’t going to be any crazy events that change his mind. In this case, the only way for things to potentially change is if everyone cut him off. But that won’t happen cuz they don’t want to risk their futures.”
“I’m not saying that grandfather’s attitude is OK, or that she should hide who she is, however, picking the time and place when you’re dealing with someone who is not going to react well is critical,” someone pointed out. “It sounds like the grandfather had no idea at all what was coming, it was sprung on him at a family holiday and he reacted exactly as OP said he would. NTA OP — you warned her and you’re doing your best to support her. That’s all you can do and she’s lucky to have you. Maybe grandfather will come around, maybe he won’t, but it’s his money/property to do with as he sees fit.”
Which brings up several things: When people talk about the daughter’s “choice,” are they discussing her “choice” to be trans or to come out at Christmas? It’s unclear. But let us just say that the former is not a choice and while the latter could certainly be argued, why should she have to spend a special day silenced?
And then there’s the whole “it’s his money” thing.
“He’s not TA. Just like her, he is free to have his own values and choices … He’s also free to use HIS money that he worked his life for any way he chooses. She needs to grow the hell up and support her own life.”
“Actually, if you hold a—holish values and make a—holish choices, you can certainly be considered an asshole. This is not hard to understand, unless of course, you honestly think transphobia is morally A-OK.”
“Being free to do something doesn’t mean you aren’t an a—hole for it. It’s absolutely in my power to call someone an ugly loser, doesn’t mean I wouldn’t be an a** for doing it lol.”
LOUDER FOR THE A—HOLES IN THE BACK.
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