Parenting was going so smoothly for one couple on Reddit — until their baby was actually born. At that point, the 34-year-old dad apparently realized how much work it takes to care for a baby all day, and things turned ugly. His 33-year-old wife took to the “Am I The A—hole?” subreddit (as you do) to share the reason her husband called her a “bad mom,” and Reddit has some choice words for this guy.
In her post, the new mom explained that she is a lawyer and earns more than her office-worker husband. “So when i got pregnant we decided that my husband would stay at home with our daughter, at least until she was a little older,” she explained.
After two months of maternity leave, the mom is getting ready to return to work soon, but her husband has suddenly changed his tune. She shared that her husband told her “it would be better if i quit my job and took care of the baby and he could provide for us.” *Record scratch* Wait, what? After their carefully agreed-upon plan and determination that the highest earner would return to work, this dad just doubles back and tells her never mind? Yikes!
Bad Mom
She went on to say that there was “no good reason to do that,” adding that not only does she earn more than him, but also, she likes her job and he “hates” his. Then, he escalated the situation.
“He called me a bad mom and he’s been really upset with me since,” the OP continued. My blood is boiling right now! I get changing your mind about wanting to stay home with a baby (nothing can prepare you for how hard raising children actually is!), but calling her a bad mom for loving her job and wanting to go back to work? No, sir! I don’t care if that was the agreement or not — moms are people too, and it’s perfectly normal to love your job and love your baby, too. Seriously, how are we still having this ridiculous conversation?
The new parents haven’t worked it out yet. “We’ve been fighting about it a lot because he keeps bringing it up,” the mom said. “It was his idea to have a child and he told me he was happy to be a stay at home dad I don’t understand why he doesn’t want that anymore.”
The Comments
Redditors came through with some snarky comments for this sexist dad and some actually helpful advice.
Some people gave him the benefit of the doubt, sympathizing with how hard childrearing is. “I think he really underestimated the level of care and attention an infant needs. It’s not gonna be surfing online and feeding a bottle/changing a diaper every four hours,” one person wrote.
Others disagreed, especially because of the way he was trying to shame her into doing what he wanted. “Based on the ‘you’re a bad mom’ comment, yeah it’s misogynistic,” someone said. “It implies that it’s her ‘role’ to stay home and take care of the baby, and not conforming to that by going to work makes her a ‘failure.’” Exactly!
“Hell there would be no AHs here if he hadn’t tried to force OP to quit her job,” someone else said, adding that this could have been a respectful conversation about the husband wanting to go back to work. “None of this demanding that she quit her job and stay home while he goes back,” they continued. “There’s ways to go about this conversation in a respectful manner but that wasn’t it.”
His actions may have even been pre-meditated, according to other Redditors. One person called his behavior “an old-fashioned bait-and-switch.” They explained, “He assures her he will stay home with the child if she’ll agree to have one, but he has no intention to do so. Instead, he expects her to fall in love with the idea of being a stay at home mother. When that doesn’t happen, he tries to guilt her. Wouldn’t be the first time it’s happened.”
Go With Option 3
Luckily, there’s a third option that these parents could take part in: “Nanny or daycare,” one person wrote. “Don’t worry, your child will grow up okay without you or your husband being there 24/7. It’s okay to admit that neither of you want to be a stay-at-home parent. Doesn’t matter whether you love or hate your job. Nannies are great resources for professional/working parents.”
“And no one really knows what it’s like until you start taking care of a baby. So you cannot hold each other to the pre-baby plan. Things change,” they added. Yes, this! All of this. My husband and I both love our jobs, so all three of our kids go to daycare/school. That doesn’t make you a bad parent — it just shows your kids how to be strong, independent people while being loving and involved parents at the same time. Not to mention, this is the solution that dual-income families have been doing forever because it’s the only way they can survive.
Once again for those in the back — Working. Does. Not. Make. You. A. Bad. Parent. But calling someone a “bad mom” definitely makes you an asshole partner.
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