A well-timed tasteless joke adds a certain magic to adult conversations, and at some point we all snicker at a double entendre, even if kids are in the room. After all, let she who has not giggled at the “jumbo weiners” display at the grocery store throw the first stone. Sometimes, it’s even kind of hilarious on a kid’s onesie because c’mon, it’s not like they’re making memories, right?
There is a line, though, and it’s not even particularly fine: These 15 onesies prove that there’s a difference between a little dry humor and treating your kid like a scuffed-up bumper to plaster your unfunny jokes on.
Impressive
We start with this charming ensemble, the purpose of which appears to be telling strangers how obsessed this baby’s father is with his own kid’s wiener. Who else would find this funny? (Amazon, $10)
Boobs are for babies
What is the purpose of this? Does the mom who buys this need to be reminded that her child is not bovine? Is it an open invitation to shared breastfeeding? Oh, now we get it: It’s a baby-sized billboard that serves to inform other people that this mom has Very Important Opinions on how people feed their kids, and would you like to hear a three-hour rambling lecture about it? (Zazzle, $16)
Made in vagina
Here’s just the first of many onesies on this list that are obsessed with The Secks. Only problem with this one is that babies aren’t really made in vaginas. Best suited for gifting at a teen’s baby shower in a state with subpar sex education. (TikiTotsShop/Etsy, $16)
Came out of vagina
See? As though it isn’t awkward enough to know that you’re congratulating someone on their successful cooperative ejaculation when they announce a pregnancy, now we have this, the onesie equivalent of a 12-year-old beating to death the punchline of the first sex joke they ever read online. (Funny Baby Tee Shirts, $19)
Proof
Things that are not even a little gross: Using your child’s body as a way to discuss your sex life, particularly in the kinds of terms two high-fiving frat bros might use. Nope, nothing weird about that. (TikiTotsShop/Etsy, $16)
Pull-out method
This time it’s Dad who’s up for discussion. When you look at a baby, don’t you love the mental picture of his father attempting to make a last-minute save mid-thrust, failing, and subsequently having a baby that he was actively trying to avoid? Awww, so sweet. (TheCraftStar, $15)
Stripper onesie
OMG you guys, get it? It’s funny because strippers! Nothing more hilarious than a set of tacky nip tassles on a newborn, amirite? (CafePress, $18)
Blowjob onesie
Aaandhere’s another one. Listen, if the fellatio you recieve ends up in pregnancy, it’s not fellatio anymore. But then, that’s not the point, is it? The point is to guffaw at your cleverness about how you wanted a hummer, but you’ll settle for this thing instead. Good luck, kid. (Funny Baby Tee Shirts, $17)
Suck it
After those ones, this one’s practically a palate cleanser. Until you realize that “suck it” typically refers to a penis, and you’re now encouraging people to associate that with your child’s pacifier. Klassy. (Kiddie Co., $15)
My dad is a…
Straight and to the point, with a just a little soupcon of profanity to ensure that your child repels people just as surely as you almost certainly do whenever you open your mouth and words gurgle out. So… thank you? (Vulgar Baby, $17)
Baby’s to-do list
The timeless and beautiful phrase “Suck some titties” is almost certainly something that you will find carved into the paint of a stall in a fetid bus terminal bathroom. About as funny, too. (Vulgar Baby, $17)
Shaken
No. No thank you, Internet. This is some lowest common denominator-type stuff right here, you guys. (Vulgar Baby, $17)
Whose?
This is ridiculous. You know whose, little baby. Your mother’s. Here’s hoping you break the cycle and that you have a long future ahead of you of not being the most obnoxious person at a party. (InDesign Tshirts, $14)
Do not toss
Yay! Now that we’ve crossed through the Valley of Sexualized Infants, we’re coming up fast on Pejorative City. Toot-toot! (InDesign Tshirts, $15)
Dumpster
A few things about this onesie: First, if someone has to squint to read the joke you plastered on your baby’s shirt, it’s not clever enough. Try something more pithy. Second, no to rainbow crayon scrawl ever. We’re all better than that.
Finally, Dumpster baby jokes aren’t funny so much as they are misanthropic, and not in a wry George Carlin sort of way; more in a try-hard Martin Shkreli sort of way. You’re not funny, and that should make you feel bad. Good day. (Zazzle, $16)
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