’90s movies were filled with a strange breed of brooding, floppy-haired hearthrobs who made us girls wish our high school crushes held a candle to their coolness. They were filled with passion, withering stares and seemingly genuine intentions, but were they really worth all the tears they made their leading ladies (and by proxy, us) shed? In hindsight, probably not. These guys were toxic matches in more ways than one. Either the women they desired had to change to fit their agenda, or they doggedly pursued them like objects rather than people, or found a way to beat them at their own game, yet still somehow ended up with them.
And what’s worse, since these were the male romance icons on which millennials grew up, many of us thought they were the types of guys for which we should be searching. Well, I’m here to report they most certainly are not. However, since it’s sometimes hard to tell if you’re dating a toxic ’90s stereotype, here’s a cheat sheet of the most common types still plaguing the world with their false promises.
The Narcissist
Ah, Jerry Maguire. So filled with passion and charming sideways glances. However, does he ever stop to think where he’d be without his trusty assistant (and soon-to-be wife) Dorothy Boyd? No way. He’s too busy flying planes and walking hallways with sports people. Of course, he does have just enough time to sleep with Dorothy and make her fall in love with him before he catches his next flight. Help her help you, Jerry. Help her help you.
The Friend-Zoned Guy
Now this one’s tricky because Cameron from 10 Things I Hate About You seems like the nice guy who gets the short end of the stick. But then you realize his entire plot in the movie revolves around finding a way into Bianca’s pants, and suddenly he doesn’t seem so nice anymore.
The Single Dad
Who wouldn’t fall in love with Clooney’s character in One Fine Day? He’s holding a kitty, and he has an adorable daughter for Pete’s sake! Someone who remembers he’s also a perptual bachelor who gets off on putting strong women in their place and parading his accomplishments all over them, that’s who.
The Bad Boy
Ah Trey. The reason every millennial woman has an insatiable desire for a bad boy. He’s smart, sarcastic, artistic, doesn’t let anyone in deeper than surface interactions, and sticks it to authority every chance he gets. Basically he’s like a big, greasy 12-year-old boy. Remind me again why we ever fell for him in the first place?
The Business Man
This one’s not the most obvious because it’s Tom Hanks — the world’s most lovable romantic comedy lead. However, his character in You’ve Got Mail has a devious side that’s never addressed. He pretty much single-handedly puts his rival Kathleen Kelly (Meg Ryan) out of business, yet somehow when she learns he’s her online admirer at the end of the movie, that whole important plotline dissolves away. He gets the girl, and she gets to sit in his store and recommend children’s books to parents. Yup, that’s fair.
The “Perfect” Guy
Zach Syler is painted as every girl’s dream in She’s All That. He’s smart, sweet, plays all the sports, is never not homecoming king, and his hair always does that lightly tousled thing. So what’s wrong with him? Well how about the fact that he makes a bet to take a poor, unsuspecting girl and changes her into his idea of the perfect woman, no matter what she might want?
The Pseudo-Intellectual
Man, Ethan Hawke really fit that ’90s toxic love interest to a T. In Before Sunrise, he plays a seemingly smart, sensitive 20-something who’s determined to mansplain the dress off of his young female traveling companion. If you haven’t seen the movie, let’s just say he’s a very good talker.
The Other Girl’s Guy
Raise your hand if you think Dermot Mulroney’s character totally led on Julia Robert’s character from the get go in My Best Friend’s Wedding even though he was engaged to be married? Oh everyone? That’s what I thought.
The Clueless Guy
In The Truth About Cats and Dogs, Ben Chaplin embodies the classic Hugh Grant personality — charmingly befuddled to a fault. He acts like he’s the victim when these two attractive women come onto him and essentially play him, but he doesn’t seem to be complaining when they all get drunk and take photos together, now does he?
The Soulless Guy
Cold, rich guy pays for a woman to become what he wants her to be, while he only changes enough so he can climb two fire escape stairwells to “rescue” her.
The Stalker
And finally a nerdy guy who never got over his high school crush hires a private detective to track her down so he cannot so subtly stalk her until she agrees to go out with him. He’s probably the best of the bunch because at least he comes clean about his deception in the end. And of course, despite the incredible creepiness, she ends up with him.
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